Thursday, June 29, 2006

"Honesty, it's the new viagra"

Would anyone like to wager a guess as to which one of my friends said this? Here's a hint - she goes by the blognomer "Megsfan" and is considered in the top echelon of friends if for no other reason than she actually posts on my blog! There are of course innumerous other reasons why she's one of the besties - among them her willingness to share her own dating adventures/disasters - the last of which led to the title of this post. And while it might have fit in the disaster category the night the guy she was dating did a sneak around kiss out of nowhere as they were about to cross the street (the guy her brother lovingly refered to as 'old and bald,' or was it, 'fat and bald,' well - you get the picture), I think it is now officially a dating triumph, not because she's ended up with the man of her dreams, but because she navigated the complexity of giving a guy a try, getting to know him a bit and learning whether or not you're attracted to him, and then being honest when feelings didn't develop and letting him walk away with some dignity. Let's contrast this approach with that, say, of traffic school boy: Megsfan wins.

On another note, had a conversation this week about the old adage that you shouldn't be dating until you're o.k. with being alone. I am coming to realize that the nugget of wisdom in this idea is not that you should be o.k. being alone - we'll all want companionship at some point - but that you need to be fully o.k. with who you are. If you're unclear on the basics of what makes you tick, or exactly what you're looking for - you run a variety of risks and almost assure that a relationship will get off to the wrong start. Because while attraction and chemistry can be had in the absence of true self-awareness, the more subtle complexities of relationships and communications just aren't that easy. I think in my case I've been approaching dating in reaction to my last relationship - thinking enough time has gone by and I'm young and I've never done this so I should get out there. In reality, I need to tread a little more carefully as some of those big life questions are still fairly unresolved in my book, and now's a great time to tackle them. Not that I'll necessarily find the answers, but perhaps in searching, I'll find a little more of myself.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Sunday night insomnia

Highlights of my weekend:

Friday: In place of a hot date I third-wheeled it to Salsa class where I was fortunate to find a partner who was not only unable to count in English (because he didn't speak it), but also the victim of what I like to call third-world sweatshop humor - his rather trendy army-style t-shirt was emblazoned with the catchy slogan, "drunknmunkee."

After salsa came popsicles, a hot tub* and turbo cranium**.
*Insert additional popsicle here.**Insert chocolate eclair here.

Saturday: Finally made it to a group of friend's Saturday ritual of ultimate frisbee. Managed to make one block but fear this was overshadowed by my turrets-like cursing each time I dropped the frisbee (especially unfortunate as a friend had brought the majority of his middle and high school youth group out to play). Saturday afternoon was spent assembling more mini-cupcakes than I could count (but not too many for me to eat) for our fundraiser on Saturday night which was a smashing success. People were receptive to the mission of The Africa Project and generous - and only one person asked how much they'd have to donate to meet Angelina Jolie. As any Africa-focused event might, the evening ended with a rowdy discussion as to the merits of Bono and whether or not he is, in fact, genuine or simply just a really short Irish guy who'd rather chill with Mandela than Madonna.

Sunday: Turned down the first offer to surf as I was still a bit buzzed, took up the second and had a fantastic day down at Doheny where I actually stood up! Followed it up with In N Out (again) and a swim before coming home for a bath, pedicure and movie.

Things to look forward to on Monday: Will be catching up on the show my brother helped film, "How to Get the Guy," and responding to what I think is a flirty myspace message the guitarist from my new favorite singer's band sent me. Both are sure to inspire a blog diatribe at some point in the future, the latter especially as to how to balance being confident and acknowledging when someone's flirting with jumping the gun and driving him away with overzealousness. Insert visual of my inner romantic catching the glimmer of a fascinating guy and leaping through the heart strings I've worked so hard to untangle in the last year. Must try and take something away from the traffic guy debaucle, but with no explanation as to why that fizzled I'm not sure how to do anything different...

And with those disorganized thoughts I bid myself to bed.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Antagony rising

I just checked to make sure that antagony is not, in fact, a word. Damn. It's usage in non-word format is to reference my need to make myself feel even worse (or perhaps it helps?) about the fact that I haven't heard back from my traffic school love interest. I did a careless search for him on myspace, thinking he was honestly a bit too high brow and classy to be on there. And while he has a very simple page that indicates he's no slave to Tom's playtown (as I am), it did direct me to his own personal webpage, where I was inundated with every artistic endeavor/acheivement he's undertaken. Let's just say my being drawn to him is understandable - he's a designer, musician, photographer - all wrapped up in with a touch of practicality and business sense. I'm not sure if I feel better, in that he's clearly an uber-overacheiver (I like to think of myself as an overacheiver in training) and I can't really hold it against myself if I was boring to someone with such a broad range of interests/talents. Really, I'm not harping on me - It's just clear that this guy is a go-getter to the extreme, and I imagine he has a hard time finding his match in general. I'll continue to ponder/obsess/feel lame for a bit longer and then I suppose I'll get the hell over it, worry you not!

On another note, I spent some time talking to a good friend today who is 100% stuck in her relationship. She's been with her boyfriend for over three years, and he loves her to pieces. She, in turn, finds them as a pair "highly compatible." It's an uneven match on the love front, and on top of that, she's harboring feelings for an ex she left under the old Korean adage (or so she says) that you should always go for the man who loves YOU more. She's terrified of hurting her boyfriend but she can't commit, and they continue in this limbo-like state day in day out. She wears a ring but the wedding's been postponed a number of times, and he lives in fear of her ex calling and her actually responding. I think what it comes down to is she can't commit until she feels she's the one calling her own love shots. She left the last guy because she was convinced by her boyfriend - until she knows it's not right with the other one, and she's made a decision for herself, I don't think she'll ever be able to commit. They say all's fair in love and war, but this is a situation in which some hearts are gonna break across the board - but something simply has to happen. Living love in a static state is just about the worse thing that you can do in my book...

Monday, June 19, 2006


He hasn't called...and suddenly I'm every girl that ever was as i try and figure out why, in absence of any real understanding because hell, we just met! I won't lie - I am bummed. I'm not that serious about dating, I'm not looking to meet the love of my life tomorrow, I don't really even know what i'm doing with myself at the moment - but it never feels good to open yourself up and get past the superficiality of what dating can be and have someone lose interest immediately. When it comes down to it I don't really like the idea of dating for dating's sake (even though I suppose that's what i've been doing?) - I like meeting new people and making a connection and exploring that. And I was excited to feel like i'd come across a person on my own who I could do that with a bit.

I wonder why somehow the guys who I'm drawn to but don't end up wanting what I have to offer leave a bigger mark than those who are drawn to me and confirm every day that I'm o.k. just as I am...

Sunday, June 18, 2006

a weekend well done

I often feel like I'm not taking the best advantage of where I live while I have the chance. Well, this weekend I can say that I did 100%! We did everything so-cal style this weekend - BBQ on Friday night then music and drinks on the water, picnic at the beach on Saturday, museum opening Saturday night and surfing followed by In-N-Out and a bike ride today. Feels so good to be outside!

On the romance front it was a fairly good weekend as well, though I actually bypassed the date with the waiter (Sorry J - I have no other nickname) fearing he's too young and my energies have been more drawn to my tall traffic schooler. He joined us on Friday night and I am a bit smitten - though we haven't talked since so I am having a hard time convincing myself it's love at first site. I hate this stage - when you're not sure if the feelings are totally reciprocal, or there are fireworks but not quite enough to get past the initial ackward stages of "should I call or not call?" I of course always call (I know - a ding against me) - but I honestly think that when the situation's right, the rules go out the window. So does that mean the situation's not right? I do get a sense that he's a bit overwhelmed with life right now - he's in school, working full time and seems pulled in a few different directions. So while from my perspective this is one of the first people to come along that doesn't bring out the commitment phobe in me, he seems to be in a slightly different place. I suppose I'll just wait and see. I'll definitely be bummed if it fizzles, but if I can say anything about the experiences I've had lately, it's that ultimately finding Mr. Right or getting to a point where you're ready for something more than just a few drinks and some hand holding isn't something you control. It'll happen when it happens so until then - I'll focus on enjoying So-Cal and dreaming on whatever comes next.

One last thing - it is the exes birthday today. I sent him a text message and he didn't respond. I know he wouldn't want me to call, (at least I don't think he would) but I do hope he knows I'm thinking of him...

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

The upside of traffic school

So I'm a bit giddy this morning after a surprise date last night with the stop sign rebel I met at traffic school. It took a while to figure out when we'd meet up as we both had plans to go to yoga, he to Bikram, me to the good 'ol regular variety. After a conversation that screamed "it's 6:00, I have low blood sugar please do not ask me to figure out time/place/dinner or drinks!" we managed to settle on meeting up post-yoga for a drink near my house. Of course I never made it (to yoga that is) and chose to watch L.A. Story instead. I was actually quite nervous. Possibly because at least on a surface level, here's a guy with some serious potential. He's tall (the disappearing act was uncomfortably short for me - I tried to ignore it but alas, vanity has its moments), well-educated and driven. And I suppose most importantly, he has that same sense that I do that being young isn't just about being carefree, it's about finding the balance in your life to achieve the right kind of success - to know what you're working at reflects who you are and where you want to be at some point in the future. I'm not sure that some of the deeper values/life perspectives are shared - but that's why you date anyway, to figure that out, right? Either way - it was a fun night in which we shut down the restaurant and the beach (ooh!) and I'm looking forward to meeting up(and looking up - I'm talking TALL) again :)

Monday, June 12, 2006

not dumped, delayed

It's been suggested that 'the waiter' is in need of a nickname upgrade. Based on our conversation last night (on the phone - we didn't end up meeting up) I'm proposing NAYATNB, which stands for 'Not As Young As the Navy Boy.' For any of you who missed that little interlude in my foray into dating let's just say I have received PLENTY of grief from the girls already. Of course grief or no grief - he was dang cute in his navy whites...

Still, in the scheme of cutting myself a HUGE amount of slack as I give this dating thing a try, he was probably a bit young. And the waiter (oops, I mean NAYATNB) only has a couple years on him. I suppose I have been making a lot of excuses in the name of putting myself out there - I'm not being ridiculously selective (at least until the second date) because I'm not really in the market for anything serious. If I were more inclined to romance at the moment I'd probably be more careful, but as it is, I'm kind of getting a kick out of meeting completely random people and seeing where that takes me.

I did just watch the movie Prime, in which a 37 year old Uma Thurman signs divorce papers after a 9 year marriage and immediately falls for a 23 year old. Their relationship didn't pan out - but I think it was less because of the age difference and more because of the actual age. The 20's are where the gray matter of your life starts to form - so these might be the years when age matters most. No matter, I'm out to have fun, so here's to a delayed date with a slightly younger guy in need of a new nickname. Until then...

Sunday, June 11, 2006

sunday sunny sunday

Dating appears to be a state of mind. Once embraced, the opportunities to pursue it seem to open up in ways previously missed. Take for instance my traffic school experience yesterday. I left the house at 6:50 a.m. having JUST found my necessary paperwork and thinking I needed to be there at 7. By 7:04 I was still looking for the courthouse, regretting my decision to forego mapquest and calling my roomate to wake her up to assure me I was going the right way. The mad dash needn't have happened - I simply joined 550 people lined up around the courthouse for about 45 minutes of waiting in line once I got there. The court has recently installed metal detectors so it took the random sampling of Orange County citizens a good hour and a half to get through the doors and into our over-stuffed classrooms. I ended up with a 'special' seat - the instructor's own I think, as all the normal courtroom seats were full. I was one of the last before they started filling the jury box - it was a tight fit! Still, in my roller seat sitting in the middle of the aisle I managed to be next to a friendly guy being penalized for a rolling stop on his way to work, and by the end of the day we'd traded notes and numbers.

Today is Sunday and I'm still waiting to see if the waiter follows through on our date tonight - last I heard from him was Friday night when he called to make sure we were still on. Think I'll take a little nap and wait and see :)

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

We interupt this Dodger game...

So I called him (the waiter). He did in fact leave me his number, and let it be known that regardless, I could care less about dating rules. Come to think of it, I did wait the customary 3 days, but I also sent a bit of a text on Saturday acknowledging the exchange of numbers - the non-committal way of saying, 'It's not just because I was in a drunken stupor that I scribbled my digits on my poorly calculated tab.' I did tip well, that must count for something.

Of course when I called I was immediately hung up on after throwing out, "hello? Hello? HELLO?" I called back (in the world of dropped calls a rule I DO follow is whoever called should call back - this eliminates the confusion of both parties immediately redialing and going straight to voicemail), and the waiter says, "Oh, it's nice to hear from you, but I'm at the Dodger Game." The vibe felt off so I just told him to give me a ring when he was free, and hung up convincing myself I had made the entire flirtation up in the first place. Yes, I do like to LEAP to conclusions, especially those that involve self deprecation (which they always do).

So, when I had returned home for the evening and signed on to the free online site I'd met the disappearing act on to shut down my page (I've decided I really am too good for online dating. At least for now, that is) and found him 'ONLINE NOW' I really started to feel like a tool. But the day was saved when as I climbed in to bed I saw a missed call and a voicemail from the waiter asking to take me out on Sunday. on!

Saturday, June 03, 2006

And so it starts

There must be a million ways to start a blog but I'm just gonna do it. I'm a girl whose been in a bunch of serious relationships (o.k. 4) and is now trying to get in some serious single time with all the fixings (blind dates! one night stands! strange men's phone numbers on cocktail napkins!) before hopefully, one day, meeting the man of my dreams. And, since very little else of consequence seems to be happening in my life (not entirely true but almost), why not chronicle the experience? I really tried my hardest to have my first blog be about the bachelor my mom bought me - but realized as I started to write that any witty tales I might spin were unlikely to offer anything funnier than the fact that my mom actually did buy me a bachelor.

So jumping right in - this Friday proved to be quite good in the boy department, even as I lamented the fact that the first person I've actually "dated" since my most serious break up just about a year ago, has suddenly fallen off the face of the earth. It's been sad not to hear from him because he's clearly a very sweet guy, and the last month or so hanging out has included quite fun things - good music, good food, good drinks - but decidedly un-good kissing. And while I can excuse a lot of things, I have found myself not finding the increasing distance between phone calls overly concerning given that I just couldn't get into a good make out with this guy. Still, the fact that he just appears to have disappeared hasn't made me feel that great - so the positive attention received today was especially appreciated.

This took two forms - the first being what I consider an almost flirtatious conversation with my dentist, who as my friends know, I have had a long standing crush on. A few months back I managed to find myself in the middle of a real-life day dream as I ran into him at a bar just south of where I live. He was, as my friend Eric exclaimed, "drinking out of a fishbowl." Some people might let this fact interfere with their extreme crushing, I found it somewhat endearing (he's a succesful dentist and he doesn't care whether he's drinking a sissy-la la drink!). Brownie points for me today consisted of his remember he ran into me, acknowledging that he was a bit schmammered and going so far as to acknowledge he doesn't get out much because all his friends are married. Now, in your head he probably sounds like a dork at this point - but might I glean just a little something from the friends being married comment, like he's trying to tell me he's single? And looking to see the night life a bit? Three cavities later I had worked up the courage to suggest we take a tour of the town sometime soon, provided he gave me the standard follow-up call he always does after he drills my teeth to oblivion. Of course he didn't call, so I'll have to keep day dreaming until the next visit.

Secondly (remember, we're counting here!), after a truly overwhelming (in all the best ways) interview experience for a rotary scholarship this evening, I went to dinner with a few girl friends at a Spanish restaurant in Fullerton. And, after much flirting and a decision to balls up and do something to actually secure a date left my number for the cute waiter who bought us our last two Sangrias himself. After giving him a generous tip and my number (and now realizing I think I totalled my bill completely wrong...did I mention I'm a budget analyst?) I realized he'd cleverly crossed out the restaurant number and left his own on my copy of the receipt. Here's to hoping he'll still call even after he realizes I have the mathmatical and multi-tasking abilities of a 4 year old.