Tuesday, April 29, 2008

extreme highs...

...are always followed by extreme lows in my life. So right now, I'm caught up in a sashay of emotional dodging - avoiding the things I just don't have the strength to deal with. Instead, I'm shopping like crazy - not spending much money, but indulging in the high of amazing deals and the immediate gratification that accompanies them. I'm starting new things, but not following through on those that preceded. I'm surfing the web, but not catching up on emails. I'm providing physical comfort, but no emotional attachment. There is joy interwoven throughout in the depth of friendships and relationships that weather whatever highs or lows I experience. But in general, I think I'm coming to terms with being a bit more on "hold" than I'd like to be. Hmm.

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Monday, April 21, 2008

as she ponders

"I think I met you at the wrong time, Megan. I knew what you were when I first saw you, but I didn’t know what to do about it. And anyway, you weren’t ready for me."

My best friend from my freshman year of college started his most recent email to me that way. The statement preceded a lengthy (and darling) introduction as to his fiance - namely the quirks that he adores and has committed to spend his life with. I was, of course, still stuck on that first paragraph. What does that mean, "I knew what you were when I first saw you?" My last email to him had been a whirlwind catch up on my life and romances - in a word, chaos - and I think he meant it to be grounding. And it is, I suppose, the idea that someone could know you so well so early - because he did.

He was the kind of friend that could calm whatever storm I drudged up. While others put on literal pounds with the freshman fifteen, I put on emotional weight that first year of college. I ended my high school relationship, bounced around as the bell of the (later determined to-be) mostly gay conducting ball, was charmed by a less-than-honest Canadian, entered my second cycle of clinical depression, nearly failed my first and last college math class and somehow came out on the other side with a rocker boyfriend who adored C.S. Lewis as much as I did, and made up for all the flailing I'd done throughout the year.

But my best friend, well he'd expected to be the knight at the end of that tunnel of a year, and while he managed fine seeing me flip flop about throughout - he knew the real deal when he saw it in the end. When my relationship started, he took his distance and I'd say our recent string of emails is the closest we've been to the magic of that friendship since.

He no longer needs me to be anything beyond the simplicity of the person he knew and recognized so early on. I need more than anything to be recognized as that very girl, because I'm still not ready for "him," whoever "he" might be, though I'm inching closer, every day. It's damn refreshing and delightful, to say the least.

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Thursday, April 03, 2008

some things never change

In the midst of putting together my formal application for school in Kenya (I have a scholarship, but must now gain admittance to the grad program), I came across the following in a past reference from a college professor:

"We’ve spent many hours in my office discussing both the state of the universe and the thesis of her papers. She has so many good ideas that sometimes she has difficulty settling on one. In other words, she has excellent academic ability and creativity, but still needs to work on organization, and mostly, on her confidence in herself. Her confidence in her paper-writing ability has grown, but she’s not quite there yet. She’s good but she doesn’t always believe it."

"...she has excellent academic ability and creativity, but still needs to work on organization..." I feel like this summarizes my entire life, in one succinct little nutshell. Oh, and confidence, don't get me started.

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