extreme highs...

...are always followed by extreme lows in my life. So right now, I'm caught up in a sashay of emotional dodging - avoiding the things I just don't have the strength to deal with. Instead, I'm shopping like crazy - not spending much money, but indulging in the high of amazing deals and the immediate gratification that accompanies them. I'm starting new things, but not following through on those that preceded. I'm surfing the web, but not catching up on emails. I'm providing physical comfort, but no emotional attachment. There is joy interwoven throughout in the depth of friendships and relationships that weather whatever highs or lows I experience. But in general, I think I'm coming to terms with being a bit more on "hold" than I'd like to be. Hmm.

a good thing

So I've started working full-time at an adventure travel company that caters to very high-end clientèle. For the first time in a long time (Africa aside) I am learning something that is really interesting to me. I love travel, and it's neat to figure out how the industry works. At the same time, I'm coming up against my insecurities in major ways as I find the gung-ho girl that graduated college ready to take on the world has been a bit worn down-and-out by too few opportunities to capitalize on the things I'm really good at. I think there are opportunities for that here, but I am out of shape! I find myself getting a bit defensive, or overly offended when I get corrected - and I know I just need to keep taking deep breaths and remember I'm learning something totally new. Me and my pride will be o.k. if we can just remember this on a daily basis!

just part of my makeup

The last two days have been amazing. I answered a craigslist ad to make a couple hundred bucks working a two-day trade show, and ended up getting a job for the summer that I can do from home and actually make some decent money at (to fritter away on a language course at, say, the Sorbonne this fall). I also visited all my old co-workers to share about my trip, and it was nice to be back without the weight of the wrong career hanging over my shoulders! Last night I drank some wine, showed a few friends pictures and listened to my favorite South African music, feeling good about where I'm at and next steps.

So why did I wake up this morning and feel like crying? It's just how I'm made I think. With every high, there's a little low to counteract it, to keep me even keel, maybe keep my head out of the clouds. I used to question it, beat myself up for being a bit down for a day when I have no reason but to be up, up, up. But now I know - this is just how things work for me - and it doesn't make the excitement of new opportunities any less authentic, it just means I need to schedule in a little down time around high-energy times.

And hey, I'm starting to feel better already.