changing it up

Man, I look at my blog archives and I really used to write here. Oh, how I miss that! I don't know what it is about this year that writing has not been the medium with which I pour forth all that's been swirling around inside. I've tried not to be too hard on myself, but at the same time I know that writing is a discipline, and all the various benefits (the catharsis, the processing, the support from those who choose to read your words) are the result of such work. Perhaps it's that I'm not ready to process it all, that this year has been about reaching out and identifying the tools I'll need to work through it, when I'm ready. It's definitely involved a fair amount of holding others up in their times of struggle - perhaps the best therapy there can be when you're in the midst of your own.

I have been doing a lot of writing in my head - especially in preparation for my departure for Kenya (mid September!) and will get a new blog to chronicle that experience up soon. I know that I will need to write about this. I pray that I'll have the stamina to process it all on the page - because it is by far the biggest thing I've done yet (and the scariest, and most exciting!). I want to be present in the whole experience, and I know writing will be key.

I have found my voice off the page in a more literal sense this year, and after sending a pretty lame garage band recording (voice/guitar only) of a Coldplay song to some friends, my dear friend Phil returned the following to me. Since I've offered so little by way of words on the page lately, here's a bit of my actual voice. Thanks to those of you who still visit this space, share your own words and are keeping your stories going on your own blogs. I treasure this community and look forward to sharing my next steps with you!

boomp3.com

grace and glory

You're in the midst of moments full of fear,
the unknown looms in a way you never imagined you'd be afraid of.

The necessity of leaving, of stepping away from the first real comfort you can remember.
The special moments you know you'll miss - the distance you're departure is sure to create.

These thoughts weigh heavy on your heart, your eyes droop with the tears of saying goodbye, even though goodbye is weeks, neigh months, away.

It's all in preparation, all in advance notice, all in protection of your fragile heart.

How to leave those you love, and who love you the most?

Then it hits you - the glorious reality of it all. You are loved! You are surrounded by those whose lives matter to you, whose joy matters to you. Distance means nothing in relation to this.

And as your adventure opens up before you, you are struck with the sheer magnitude of it all. How is it that you should be fortunate enough to be walking into the life you are about to take on?

There are no words, there is nothing that can capture the enormity of having turned dreams into reality.

But knowing you go with the wings of those you love behind you, this is the most glorious thing of all.

temporary

these walls carry the proof of where I've been
joined together by a door added after the fact
I had a vision of what it would look like so many months ago
And now here I sit, the lines in rust and green,
ready to let it go

So much of my life this year has been temporary
A stop for a moment before stepping into the unknown
Surrounding myself with those I love the most
But in the end having to move away,
I can't imagine the day

When these walls cease to bear where I've been
When they're blank or covered up with someone else's things
To drive away with the burden of past and the blank slate of tomorrow
with my life staying here, while I go there

In the end I know the truth isn't temporary
Its veins run deep in the lives of those I love
No matter where I go there is home in each of them
Only this I know, only this I know

need

I wrote the following post yesterday. It was one of those days where I cried big sloppy tears for feelings I couldn't ignore one minute longer. In the morning I cried silently, working away at my desk, and felt better by the afternoon. Last night, I cried loudly, I gave myself permission to really grieve for all these things that have happened in the last year - both my own experiences and those I have born witness to both here and abroad. Today I feel so much better - but I'm giving myself permission to post about the reality of yesterday as a tribute to the 2 year anniversary of this blog. Many people don't understand blogging - they don't get baring your soul to strangers (or loved ones who might read, for that matter). I can't say I totally understand it either. I don't even know who reads this anymore that I might censor my words for if I realized they'd see them. The point is, I'm making peace with my yesterdays, with letting them be, on the page. Two years of yesterdays marked today. It's been a blessing, to say the least.


June 2, 2008
I have far more love in my life than many people I'm sure (and if ever there were cause to quantify, I'm sure far less than others). The point is that it's there, it's present in family and friends and the romantic affection of a few - more than I recognize and certainly more than I know how to draw on when I need it most.

This past year has, in many ways, kicked my heart's ass. As above, I feel I have to post the necessary disclaimer: it has been kicked far less than many others. The pain I know pales in comparison to many, it would be disrespectful to compare it to the loss and the grief that others have experienced in their own hurts. But to me it is real, it is pronounced, it is disorienting. It has bubbled up in a redefinition of family, first by those around me, and then by myself as I tried to make sense of an absolutely new familial landscape. It has been in once again having fallen in love, and then, with an explanation that feels far from valid or to reflect the strength of the love I hope to give and someday receive, having fallen out of it. It has been in the wanting to turn to my pillars of strength during these times, and seeing them withered in the paralysis of their own hurts and life's challenges. It is the ultimate feeling of at times being without the strength of the most important ties of a lover/partner and family.

So I've looked elsewhere for comfort, sometimes demanding it from those who have no responsibility to provide it, or else taking it in bits and pieces, knowing full well the temporary security such offerings provide. Such things, invariably, come to an end. What remains amidst the fractured ties, the mini-flings, the hot-prospect projects, is friendship. There is no lack of wealth therein. And yet in my attempts to escape my grief, I have called on my friends almost exclusively for fun and light heartedness - for small adventures and days of laughing till my stomach aches, rather than the assuredness I desperately seek that if and when the shit hits the fan, I won't be alone. I have rarely let myself cry to them, or even in front of them, the shame of such fractures somehow too great to let the cat out of the bag. Of all my flaws, I think this is perhaps the worst - to not be able to let your guard down to those who have the strength, love and the confidence in you when you need it most.

the heart hurts

I am never more present in my life than when I am in love. It's as if the tendrils of truth that make up my person unfurl one by one as I meet and fall for someone new. Lately, however, I have begun to question these most cherished moments of falling. I've started to tell myself that they were not the real deal, that I will know it when I see it but I couldn't possibly be where I am today, more or less alone, if they were in fact real...for what type of person would have let them go? I dwell on this more than I should.

Still, while romantic love continues to befuddle me in its complex application in my life (I swear, this blog hasn't even scratched the surface of the crazy that is me and men), I will say I am learning more about love amongst friends and family these days than I'm sure I ever have. Perhaps learning is too strong of a word - that would imply I've come to an understanding about it all. An understanding beyond the necessity for constant grace, openness, honesty and from time to time complete and utter humility in order to truly love, and be loved by, those around you. I would like to say that I work on this daily, but I'm not sure I'm at a place with myself where I can truly offer this to those I love. I do know I try. I try so hard when confronted with someone else's pain or struggle. The compassion switch in me electrifies and I pull out each and every experience and understanding I can provide in the desperate hopes of alleviating the heartache. If I could paint a picture, it would show me literally taking a scoop out of my heart and presenting it, palms open, to whoever it is that I love so dearly allowing me to bear witness to their brokenness.

But can I ever really bear witness when I am so very bad at showing my own brokenness? I can remember only a handful of times when I allowed myself to truly wilt in the trust of someone who loves me, pushing aside my assumption of their judgment or pity long enough to bask in their compassion and grace. It is a fine line to let those whose opinions mean the most to you catch you when crumble. But I know now that this is the essence of love. And I would never hold it against someone I love that they from time to time fall apart - it makes them more human and radiant and dear, if anything.

I don't know how this ties in to the beginning of this post. Perhaps my detachment from romantic love stems from my need to more fully understand the fundamentals of love as a whole. Thank God for the gracious beings sharing their stories around me as I take a temporary hiatus from my own heart. I'll get back to it someday, I'm sure.

as she ponders

"I think I met you at the wrong time, Megan. I knew what you were when I first saw you, but I didn’t know what to do about it. And anyway, you weren’t ready for me."

My best friend from my freshman year of college started his most recent email to me that way. The statement preceded a lengthy (and darling) introduction as to his fiance - namely the quirks that he adores and has committed to spend his life with. I was, of course, still stuck on that first paragraph. What does that mean, "I knew what you were when I first saw you?" My last email to him had been a whirlwind catch up on my life and romances - in a word, chaos - and I think he meant it to be grounding. And it is, I suppose, the idea that someone could know you so well so early - because he did.

He was the kind of friend that could calm whatever storm I drudged up. While others put on literal pounds with the freshman fifteen, I put on emotional weight that first year of college. I ended my high school relationship, bounced around as the bell of the (later determined to-be) mostly gay conducting ball, was charmed by a less-than-honest Canadian, entered my second cycle of clinical depression, nearly failed my first and last college math class and somehow came out on the other side with a rocker boyfriend who adored C.S. Lewis as much as I did, and made up for all the flailing I'd done throughout the year.

But my best friend, well he'd expected to be the knight at the end of that tunnel of a year, and while he managed fine seeing me flip flop about throughout - he knew the real deal when he saw it in the end. When my relationship started, he took his distance and I'd say our recent string of emails is the closest we've been to the magic of that friendship since.

He no longer needs me to be anything beyond the simplicity of the person he knew and recognized so early on. I need more than anything to be recognized as that very girl, because I'm still not ready for "him," whoever "he" might be, though I'm inching closer, every day. It's damn refreshing and delightful, to say the least.

Where my boys at?

I have always had guy friends. Since early high school, my boy-buds were my best buds. A few of these friendships turned into romances, and many at some point involved a one-way crush on one side or the other, but in the end I have a handful of guys that I simply couldn't live without. The trouble is, none of them are nearby anymore. While I've got some of my life long and closest girlfriends in the immediate vicinity (one in my house - how lucky am I!?) I don't have any accessible* guy friends up north. I've taken to loosely stalking a really cool guy I met on the airplane about a month ago because I am just dying for the rapport I have always been able to build with a few special guys. These are the guys who I can trade sob stories with, who I've nursed through break ups and who have returned the favor tenfold. The guys who remind me that settling shouldn't be an option - that good men are out there, respectful men with good taste and the desire to truly romance the women they love. They've reminded me that I'm not half bad when I needed it, and kept me busy when my Friday nights were boyfriend and date-free. I wish I could quantify why these relationships are so special - all I know is that right now I really, really miss them.



*My high school ex is up here and I still consider him one of my closest friends but his own romance has made it hard to connect as he's afraid his girlfriend won't like the idea of us hanging out.

the tears of life lived

Today was a day of sifting through things that were once a part of my daily life. I unpacked our storage area and priced about a million odds and ends for a garage sale tomorrow morning (well I wish it was a million odds and ends - even if I sold everything for a quarter I'd be in good shape!). Tonight, my roommate* helped me start loading up my room - taking all my sacred boxes of pictures and journals and art down from the top of my closet to get them ready to send on to their next resting place.

Regardless of whether you've laid your head to rest next to all these things every night for a number of years, it's usually only when you move that they get the love they deserve. I've come across letters I've cherished since high school. Journals full of teenage angst and the absolute explosive joy of first love. Artistic endeavors, friends now lost, trinkets collected around the world - all mementos I've carried from home to home to home.

I'm letting go of a few. The music box that plays "You are my sunshine" that the first (and somewhat only) boy to break my heart gave me on my birthday because it was our song - it's going in the garage sale pile. But there are some things, like the letter that my brother Todd wrote me on my 16th birthday that makes me cry just holding the envelope for all the love it holds inside, that will be packaged oh-so-carefully so that they can be stumbled upon once again when I figure out where I'll next call home and bring tears to my eyes once again.

And when that happens, there will be a whole new set of reminders of this time to accompany them. Pictures, and cards and music - the things that remind me of where I've been these last two and a half years - and the six before them - of the people who shared this time with me, the tasks I undertook - the heart aches, the celebrations, the losses and most importantly, the gains.

But the best parts - the things that transcend all these mementos I'll take with me are the voices I'll continue to hear (though sometimes now by phone), and the trips we'll continue to take, and the celebrations we'll continue to share. Because these eight and a half years have been life being lived, and you don't leave that behind - you take it with you.




*The Frenchman asked me the other day why I call her my roomate, and not by her name. What he should really ask is why I don't call her my darling dearest most wonderful friend - because that's what she is. But because that might make me sound suspiciously non-hetero, I stick with roomate, because this girl has lived with me, and trust that my point comes across :)

moments

I'm behind on everything. On my to-do list, on blogging, on laundry. The only thing I can say I've been doing quite well at is taking these remaining weeks to spend time with friends - and I'm treasuring the moments I'm able to do so. It's the little things that give me that little pang in my heart - the calls from a friend who is in the neighborhood and wants to meet for coffee, the setting up a brunch date on what I know will be a sunny Sunday. Being able to see my best friend who has just moved to L.A. and simply spend the day with her. There have been concerts, and dinners, and simply wandering about with some of my favorite people - and how I will leave these, the simplest of moments, I don't know.

I didn't realize how bittersweet all of this would be. My excitement has been so big for so long in planning this adventure that I didn't realize that saying goodbye could be so hard. A few days ago my friend Josh and I were staring at a very choppy sea and contemplating surfing, and he told me he'd had a total cry fest the day before thinking about me moving. It was so touching - having a moment to realize that to someone's daily life my absence will be felt (and by the way, how awesome is a guy who can admit he cries?). How lucky am I to have someone who cares about me that much? It's these moments that I'm trying to record - to store up so I can revisit them when I need them most. Because as emotional as this week was (and it really wiped me out in a lot of ways), I have a feeling I have no idea what lies ahead.

when the universe conspires for you

So today is day 1 of the rest of my life. I got up this morning, said goodbye to one of my bestest friends who spent the weekend with me (and what fun we had!) and headed to a doctor's appointment to get stocked up on various prescriptions and antibiotics (one set for a sinus infection I've just come down with, and one to have on hand for my trip, per state department recommendations :). Really mundane stuff but all done with a total spring to my step. I got a call from work around 11:15 to answer a few quick questions and then I got to tell them my fun news - I'm going to be filming a mini how-to segment for a new product my cousin has developed at a major craft convention taking place nearby tomorrow.

Here's how it happened - I went to the convention yesterday with my friend and met another cousin there who is doing some PR for these craft kits my other cousin has developed. We stumbled upon a booth that was doing demos of silver clay (this stuff is the absolute COOLEST - if I hadn't just dropped off my memory card to hopefully be recovered I'd show you a picture of the necklace I made!) and in the middle of making this little pendant a t.v. crew that was covering the show for a division of HGTV came by with their host. They sat him down right next to me and gave him my work materials so he could look like he was doing something while they filmed the sign-off for his segment. This left me just sitting there, which made me feel more or less useless in the shot, so I got up and let the representative for the silver clay sit down so she could instruct him.

In the meantime, this led me to be standing back next to the producer and the camera people - and it occurred to me I should ask them if they were still looking for products to feature, because I happened to have a "museable" there in my bag. They were, I gave them the kit - one thing led to another and we'll be filming a how-to create a museable segment tomorrow at 3:00! Now it's not as if I have any aspirations to be on t.v. - I just think it's neat that the very fact I no longer have a job is allowing me to follow through on this for my cousin - and hopefully give her product more exposure to the world (it will air in May and we'll keep our fingers crossed that our super cool product which includes film that disappears instantly in water - seriously cool - will make it on the show).

On top of that, I finally have a few days to focus on some materials for a business idea I've had for a long time and have a friend who is actually excited about working on it with me. Oh the absolute joy of being able to focus your attention on the things that matter to you! I'm not trying to gloat - I'm really just trying to embrace these moments (hopefully the first of many) for what they are - glimses of life as I'd like to live it - where opportunities can be embraced as they come up, and ideas followed through on.

So that's that - your comments were starting to make me thing that I'd sent the message I was taking off - I'm not! Just rearranging my life a bit and of course this is one of my favorite spaces to reflect on that. I'm so thankful for the people that read this and share their own thoughts, encouragement and places that they're at along the way - seriously, thank you guys!