Recovery

Late last summer, in an untimely reminder of my lack of computer savvy, I crashed my old hard drive. It's horrifying when you realize how much of your life has been locked up inside what you thought to be an impenetrable metal box, and even moreso when you realize how simple it is to prevent such implosions of data-drowned micro-chips. Licking my wounds I found solace in my shiny and new Macbook Pro, and set aside my old computer (lovingly referred to as the behemoth) for a time in which I had 2 grand to direct to the pockets of the most deserving of computer geeks who recover lost data.

My life and luck being charmed as it is, just such a guy showed up in my living room a few weeks ago to address my very cracked blackberry pearl (let's hope my life has more resilience than the electronics that manage it) and I feebly mentioned my forlorn and dusty old lap top.

"Let me see it," he commanded - a wry smile alluding to the immense pleasure he clearly found in taking on seemingly impossible electronic tasks. I handed it over, admonishing him (and doing my best to keep my hopes at bay) that the 14-year old in charge of the service shop last year hadn't even been able to get it to boot. Of course before he could tell me that I was well under the spell of the Macbook Pro's brushed finish, practical weightlessness and sleek profile. Still, being reprimanded by a guy nearly half my age (and likely making twice my salary) for ignoring the flashing lights of "YOUR HARD DRIVE IS READY TO SELF-DESTRUCT" had left it's mark, and I didn't want my friend to be overly optimistic.

I unpacked the behemoth, handed it to my friend and tottered off to admire my new blackberry face plate (it had been cracked since I dropped it in gravel on day 2 of ownership). He plugged it in and on came the lights and the flashes I'd done my best to forget - the bright blue reminder that where my writing and pictures and years of data had once been, was now the simplest of color schemes and a screen that looked just like the first word processors we used in middle school.

But...my friend's face lit up - and even I had to admit that upon last plug in it hadn't even booted, so this could be progress. He quickly pocketed the hard drive, headed home to his motherboard and promised to call with what he was sure would be a full recovery of my data.

OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY!

Words cannot express. Not only did he recover it - but in the exact same form I left it. No scrambling, nothing missing - just files and files of years and years of ponderings, papers and most importantly, photos. Trips and family and holidays and friends - all back, safe and sound, on the shiny screen of my Macbook Pro. Oh, and my new external hard drive.

grace and glory

You're in the midst of moments full of fear,
the unknown looms in a way you never imagined you'd be afraid of.

The necessity of leaving, of stepping away from the first real comfort you can remember.
The special moments you know you'll miss - the distance you're departure is sure to create.

These thoughts weigh heavy on your heart, your eyes droop with the tears of saying goodbye, even though goodbye is weeks, neigh months, away.

It's all in preparation, all in advance notice, all in protection of your fragile heart.

How to leave those you love, and who love you the most?

Then it hits you - the glorious reality of it all. You are loved! You are surrounded by those whose lives matter to you, whose joy matters to you. Distance means nothing in relation to this.

And as your adventure opens up before you, you are struck with the sheer magnitude of it all. How is it that you should be fortunate enough to be walking into the life you are about to take on?

There are no words, there is nothing that can capture the enormity of having turned dreams into reality.

But knowing you go with the wings of those you love behind you, this is the most glorious thing of all.

Fantastic Friday

"I've got the world on a string, I'm sitting on a rainbow..."

If I were just a bit cooler, I would be showing you the following in a pdf copy of the actual letter I received tonight. I'm not (cool), so I'm retyping paragraph one (with a few geographical redactions) because I'm in no state to take on a scanner:

"Dear Megan,

Congratulations! The Rotary Ambassadorial Scholarship Committee for District [****], with the approval of District Governor [redacted], is pleased to award you an Ambassadorial Scholarship for the academic year 2008/2009. Through your hard work and dedication, you have earned this scholarship.

The selection of this year's Scholars was not easy. The committee felt that you would be an excellent representative for the United States and Rotary as you continue your education and become a part of Rotary's program to further international understanding and promote world peace."

I'll stop there, because that is pretty much all you need to know in terms of exactly how big and fat the afore mentioned rainbow I am currently sitting on is. Whenever I feel as if I can't be blessed anymore than I have, something comes along and blows me out of the water. This is by far the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me. Not only have I managed to earn support for a year of study in an African country (just which country I won't know until December - EGADS December!?!) BUT the scholarship is all about representing the ideals of Rotary - which as they say above is to promote international understanding and world peace. What an honor to do this on behalf of my country at this time in history. I am so thankful that opportunities like this exist - they give me hope, not only in my own dreams - but in the idea that as a community, as a country, as a world - we can make a difference.

Congratulations. That word has never been so sweet.

my life as poultry

I don't know what NVTech is - but other than that, this just about sums it up.

if I could bottle this I would

The weekend has ended, and it's 21 days until I leave for Africa, and 6.5 until I see him again.

How did I manage this? To find myself smack dab in the middle of a cross-continental romance? Did I seek it out? Did I send some signal to the cosmos that sent me the most delightful yet locationally challenged beau? I'll try not to get ahead of myself - this is making it all sound as if the location is a problem. It's not, well not yet.

In the spectrum of a relationship we are still early in the getting to know each other process. We can talk for hours about where we've been, who we've been with, what we've done. There's an effortlessness to this - the bearing of that from where we come, that's pure refreshment. And in between the words and the shared experiences there's this softness, an unexplainable desire to know more, to respond to the hurt or the potential for joy with hurt or joy of my own. I want to think that this feeling is what love is built on - and yet I'm startled to find it so soon. But perhaps that's the benefit of distance - for the few times we've had together have been full to the brim of that which most relationships spread over many a dinner.

On Saturday I took him to a Chinese New Year party at a friend of a friend's. We made traditional dumplings and read our fortunes (I'm year of the monkey, he's year of the rabbit). We watched as my roommate had her Tarot cards read, and I decided to have mine done as well (for the first time in my life). I've never had anything against Tarot, but as a Christian I've always tried to guard myself against practices that could challenge the role of the divine. Watching the first reading I realized that tarot is very open to interpretation, and the person doing the readings was very careful to acknowledge and encourage the person's individual faith when relevant cards were drawn.

So I sat, with the Frenchman at my side, and informed the reader that I had recently made some major decisions and was looking at a variety of opportunities and possibilities for my life, and am looking for ways to make decisions and know in which direction I am to go.

The first card she drew was The Sun, and the last was The Earth. I don't know Tarot techniques but after she'd placed all the cards she had me draw one final card from a separate deck - I drew The Mother Earth. So as I looked at the cards in front of me I saw light and the big picture - and as she navigated what she said was one of the best reading she can remember doing, she said over and over, "you're in a good place. What can I say, you're in a great place!" She noted that while I will depend on my support system (and acknowledged my blessing in having one) this year, it will be a year of successes. There will be some disappointments factored in, but they should be looked at simply as opportunities to turn lemons into lemonade. Most importantly, she emphasized the importance of taking time for myself, of seeking guidance from God and being in touch with my faith to have the strength and the clarity to achieve all that is possible in my future.

When she was almost done, she came to a card, looked at the two of us and asked us what kind of a relationship we had. We giggled and informed her that we were just getting to know each other. Then she told me that card suggests the man in my life will be a very important encouragement and support to me this year. Interestingly enough, when the Frenchman had his reading done, he had a different card that she said could be interpreted one of two ways. Either it meant that the creative force in him (he's a musician) would be seriously impacting his life this year and guiding him in new directions, or a new woman would have the same affect of drawing out his creative side and helping him close certain chapters in his life.

All in all, we left with more than a little food for thought - which was more or less par for the course this weekend. In the most delightful of ways, of course.

Exit strategy

It's official, I am unemployed. As my boss was giving me my "exit interview" today one of the questions was, "are you currently pursuing other employment?" I can just imagine the HR analyst who reviews my interview and sees my answer of "no" and questions, "who is this idiot that quit and not only has no job lined up, but isn't even looking?" Allow me to quote the Spartan cheerleaders: "IT'S ME! IT'S ME!"

Today was a completely draining day. It put everything into perspective for me - my attempts to leave gracefully (almost achieved though I did leave my replacement with a few more piles of un-filed papers than I'd have liked to), the great people I feel like I've only started to get to know - the days of sitting and dreaming about the future that is suddenly here.

My final little going away shin dig this afternoon was totally Africa themed. There were animals on the cake, a leopard print background and loads of puzzle games and an electronic Texas hold 'em for the long ride over. My co-workers all signed a frame with well wishes and a lot of "good luck not being eaten by lions." I told them that if anything of the sort happens I'll be sure to get a picture as the entertainment value would be priceless.

As I sit here exhausted I realize that this is a lot like finishing college. Just as I sometimes have nightmares that I have a paper due or a final exam for a class I've never attended - it will take some getting used to that my job is no longer my job. The things I worried about, the skills I didn't quite have - the tasks I could never quite complete - I'm done with them all. And I got to leave on the best of notes - with many smiling faces and words of encouragement from people I truly admire. It does make this all more real, somehow. In my head I thought I'd already confronted this goodbye, that I was prepared for it. Perhaps I am, and yet still - I'm not quite sure I can wrap my head around it. Unemployed. Operating entirely on the fancy of none other than myself. Wow.

Valentine's: Not just a day for lovers

I got home last night from the mountains with bags full of ski gear and airline peanuts. My room is in shambles - in the last few weeks I feel like I've been packing and unpacking non-stop for various trips. My valentine's plans entail more of this, but I'll be fixing myself a Bellini cocktail with the last of my bottle I bought in Montreal to make the night more enjoyable.

I'm back in the office today for my penultimate day of work - after the final day tomorrow I'm grabbing dinner with a friend and then heading to L.A. to stay the night before flying to Dallas on Friday. When I set all these plans in motion I worried I was going to fill up this carefully planned for "free time" too much - and prevent myself from getting into the research and life planning I'd hoped to use these weeks for. Thankfully, it's all coming together. I've been reading, taking notes, contacting people - setting a schedule I can stick to in place before I head to Africa. What this means is that as I prepare to officially leave the security of my job (until now it's just been far off on the horizon - now it's HERE) I can do so with confidence. I know I'm doing the right thing - the synapses in my mind and heart and soul are on fire - the ideas are coming, the inspiration is coming - I'm excited practically non-stop.

So my sweetheart isn't here on Valentine's day (but I kinda do have a sweetheart - how did that happen!?) - but I have plenty to celebrate and embrace in the spirit of love as I fill the day with closing this chapter in my life and keeping the next-step wheels in motion. I wish you all the best whether you are with someone you love today or simply taking a few moments to love yourself and the life you're living!

when the universe conspires for you

So today is day 1 of the rest of my life. I got up this morning, said goodbye to one of my bestest friends who spent the weekend with me (and what fun we had!) and headed to a doctor's appointment to get stocked up on various prescriptions and antibiotics (one set for a sinus infection I've just come down with, and one to have on hand for my trip, per state department recommendations :). Really mundane stuff but all done with a total spring to my step. I got a call from work around 11:15 to answer a few quick questions and then I got to tell them my fun news - I'm going to be filming a mini how-to segment for a new product my cousin has developed at a major craft convention taking place nearby tomorrow.

Here's how it happened - I went to the convention yesterday with my friend and met another cousin there who is doing some PR for these craft kits my other cousin has developed. We stumbled upon a booth that was doing demos of silver clay (this stuff is the absolute COOLEST - if I hadn't just dropped off my memory card to hopefully be recovered I'd show you a picture of the necklace I made!) and in the middle of making this little pendant a t.v. crew that was covering the show for a division of HGTV came by with their host. They sat him down right next to me and gave him my work materials so he could look like he was doing something while they filmed the sign-off for his segment. This left me just sitting there, which made me feel more or less useless in the shot, so I got up and let the representative for the silver clay sit down so she could instruct him.

In the meantime, this led me to be standing back next to the producer and the camera people - and it occurred to me I should ask them if they were still looking for products to feature, because I happened to have a "museable" there in my bag. They were, I gave them the kit - one thing led to another and we'll be filming a how-to create a museable segment tomorrow at 3:00! Now it's not as if I have any aspirations to be on t.v. - I just think it's neat that the very fact I no longer have a job is allowing me to follow through on this for my cousin - and hopefully give her product more exposure to the world (it will air in May and we'll keep our fingers crossed that our super cool product which includes film that disappears instantly in water - seriously cool - will make it on the show).

On top of that, I finally have a few days to focus on some materials for a business idea I've had for a long time and have a friend who is actually excited about working on it with me. Oh the absolute joy of being able to focus your attention on the things that matter to you! I'm not trying to gloat - I'm really just trying to embrace these moments (hopefully the first of many) for what they are - glimses of life as I'd like to live it - where opportunities can be embraced as they come up, and ideas followed through on.

So that's that - your comments were starting to make me thing that I'd sent the message I was taking off - I'm not! Just rearranging my life a bit and of course this is one of my favorite spaces to reflect on that. I'm so thankful for the people that read this and share their own thoughts, encouragement and places that they're at along the way - seriously, thank you guys!

when Paris comes calling...

There's something drippingly romantic about meeting someone while traveling and sharing, if only for a night, the wonder of a foreign place and all its intimacies with someone who is as new to you as the soil upon which you walk.

Somehow, meeting someone at home while out on the town rarely has that same spark - nor does the moon shine just so in their eyes' reflection, or the sand feel quite as soft as when you walked hand in hand on the coast of the Mediterranean.

Still, my wandering heart is humbled from time to time when a bit of such magic falls into my lap in moments when least expected...

On the brink

I was just reading my best friend's brothers blog where he detailed his six month plan that includes a hell of a lot of travel and I thought to myself, "why am I writing about how I can't go to sleep at night when I'm about to turn my life topsy turvy and flee the country?" Point being - things are about to get exciting for me.

I have 12 full days of work left. I am more or less done on the 26th, but then I take a wee "vacation" and come back the 14th/15th of February to clean out my office and tie up any loose ends with my replacement. The time period between the 26th and the 18th of March is somewhat up in the air - but I do know this:

1) There will be some skiing which will coincide with a trip to Colorado and Texas
2) There will be the most surfing yet (unless global warming results in Cali being struck by monsoons)
3) There will be even more soul searching
4) There will be a lot of organizing - from my email account where I forward every future possibility or contact with whom I need to follow up with re: career moves, to my room and potentially preparing to move.
5) There will be preparing for South Africa - for which I depart on March 18th and return June 8th.

What have I done so far? Well I have a stack of African literature by my bed, I have zulu CDs to listen to on my way to the beach next month. I have a list of items to purchase (a nalgene and water purification tablets being near the top). I have an appointment to get a small dose of yellow fever and an updated tetanus shot tomorrow. I have a new digital camera on the way from the folks at Amazon. I have an appointment to call the nuns I will be staying with in Nkandla this weekend. I am researching a self defense class that my dear friend Lia insists I take before I go.

What do I still need to do? Plan my trip! I have done some basic planning and I have a detailed map of the country on the way from Amazon as well. I have a list of contacts and organizations I may want to meet up with - and a few potential traveler partners that may come to explore with me in April (speak now, or forever hold your peace!). I also need to line up travel insurance, order medications etc. in advance, get my budget and bills in order, etc. etc. And of course - start a trip-specific blog so I don't have to subject everyone and their mother to this here piece of work. I'm also trying to decide if I should get a new lap top (a small one) to take with. I know I'm going to want to write while I'm there and I much prefer typing - but I don't know logistically if a lap top is going to be a good travel companion for this trip.

Either way - it's so damn exciting I can barely contain myself. I think I've been waiting to write about it until it became more real - and it occurred to me - time's up. It's on the horizon - it's coming, whether I'm 100% ready or not. In just a little over two months I'll be on a dusty road, sitting alongside a nun, driving into a little village in Kwa Zulu Natal and attempting to take it all in.