changing it up

Man, I look at my blog archives and I really used to write here. Oh, how I miss that! I don't know what it is about this year that writing has not been the medium with which I pour forth all that's been swirling around inside. I've tried not to be too hard on myself, but at the same time I know that writing is a discipline, and all the various benefits (the catharsis, the processing, the support from those who choose to read your words) are the result of such work. Perhaps it's that I'm not ready to process it all, that this year has been about reaching out and identifying the tools I'll need to work through it, when I'm ready. It's definitely involved a fair amount of holding others up in their times of struggle - perhaps the best therapy there can be when you're in the midst of your own.

I have been doing a lot of writing in my head - especially in preparation for my departure for Kenya (mid September!) and will get a new blog to chronicle that experience up soon. I know that I will need to write about this. I pray that I'll have the stamina to process it all on the page - because it is by far the biggest thing I've done yet (and the scariest, and most exciting!). I want to be present in the whole experience, and I know writing will be key.

I have found my voice off the page in a more literal sense this year, and after sending a pretty lame garage band recording (voice/guitar only) of a Coldplay song to some friends, my dear friend Phil returned the following to me. Since I've offered so little by way of words on the page lately, here's a bit of my actual voice. Thanks to those of you who still visit this space, share your own words and are keeping your stories going on your own blogs. I treasure this community and look forward to sharing my next steps with you!

boomp3.com

grace and glory

You're in the midst of moments full of fear,
the unknown looms in a way you never imagined you'd be afraid of.

The necessity of leaving, of stepping away from the first real comfort you can remember.
The special moments you know you'll miss - the distance you're departure is sure to create.

These thoughts weigh heavy on your heart, your eyes droop with the tears of saying goodbye, even though goodbye is weeks, neigh months, away.

It's all in preparation, all in advance notice, all in protection of your fragile heart.

How to leave those you love, and who love you the most?

Then it hits you - the glorious reality of it all. You are loved! You are surrounded by those whose lives matter to you, whose joy matters to you. Distance means nothing in relation to this.

And as your adventure opens up before you, you are struck with the sheer magnitude of it all. How is it that you should be fortunate enough to be walking into the life you are about to take on?

There are no words, there is nothing that can capture the enormity of having turned dreams into reality.

But knowing you go with the wings of those you love behind you, this is the most glorious thing of all.

hope in all places

"Before Kibaki and Raila made peace, we made peace on the ground," Osodo said. "They called Kofi Annan, but me, I didn't call Annan. I called my brothers."

falling slowly, and slower still

(Please play before continuing with this post - sometimes life just needs a soundtrack, just ask Cameron Crowe)


Every so often in the midst of life returning to wharp speed and the inevitable heart breaks and joys that ensue, you have to take a moment to think of where you've been. And when you've been half way across the world, immersed in the reality of lives so far from your own comprehension that you still can't wrap your head (or your heart) around where the differences end and the shared humanity begins, you really need to take these moments. They'll catch you off guard - the emotions, the longing, the guilt - so you just try and take it all in as it comes. You attempt to ascribe some sort of definition based on the life you find yourself back in - be it in your relationships, in the lyrics of a song that showed up at just the right time, or in the picture you've framed so you see it first thing in the morning and remember where you were. In this mess of emotions you realize there is no sorting it all out afterall, so it's time to start sharing.

You need to start sharing.

"Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice"

Fantastic Friday

"I've got the world on a string, I'm sitting on a rainbow..."

If I were just a bit cooler, I would be showing you the following in a pdf copy of the actual letter I received tonight. I'm not (cool), so I'm retyping paragraph one (with a few geographical redactions) because I'm in no state to take on a scanner:

"Dear Megan,

Congratulations! The Rotary Ambassadorial Scholarship Committee for District [****], with the approval of District Governor [redacted], is pleased to award you an Ambassadorial Scholarship for the academic year 2008/2009. Through your hard work and dedication, you have earned this scholarship.

The selection of this year's Scholars was not easy. The committee felt that you would be an excellent representative for the United States and Rotary as you continue your education and become a part of Rotary's program to further international understanding and promote world peace."

I'll stop there, because that is pretty much all you need to know in terms of exactly how big and fat the afore mentioned rainbow I am currently sitting on is. Whenever I feel as if I can't be blessed anymore than I have, something comes along and blows me out of the water. This is by far the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me. Not only have I managed to earn support for a year of study in an African country (just which country I won't know until December - EGADS December!?!) BUT the scholarship is all about representing the ideals of Rotary - which as they say above is to promote international understanding and world peace. What an honor to do this on behalf of my country at this time in history. I am so thankful that opportunities like this exist - they give me hope, not only in my own dreams - but in the idea that as a community, as a country, as a world - we can make a difference.

Congratulations. That word has never been so sweet.

time marches on

I have hardly had a moment to catch my breath since I've been back stateside. Most of my immediate family is in town to celebrate my parent's 30th wedding anniversary (way to hang in there folks!) and we've been to Disneyland, Legoland, the pool, the beach, thrown back a few bottles of champagne and have our last visit to Mickey today. So the unraveling of my thoughts as I re-enter what should be a more familiar world than the one I left has been interrupted by Jedi knights, Disney princesses, cannonballs (the pool kind) and more alcohol than is polite to imbibe when in the company of nuns.

My point is, this is going to take awhile. And yet I feel a sense of responsibility to be able to package my trip up in a form I can hand to people and say, "here is some nugget of truth about life and humanity - do with it what you will." Or at least something to run with, a way to continue to support the kids I worked with, or the situation in South Africa (and throughout the continent) - the mission I was so drawn to when I got involved with the Africa Project. Maybe I need to grant myself a bit of patience, let everyone who has been back home fund raising carry the torch for a bit while I get my bearings - I just don't want to drop the ball now that I've had the chance to see it all first hand.

And oh the possibilities of next steps! Some require my attention right now, before I've even had a chance to tie up loose strings from this experience. I won't complain about possibilities - because there are many, and that's a freedom I am still getting used to granting myself - but what freedom it is! At the same time - while I've been gone people have gotten pregnant, engaged, married - the lives of those I love the most are evolving in their own ways and if I choose to remove myself from the nearby again I'm sure to miss even more. It's food for thought - figuring out what's necessary, what's selfish, what's the happy medium.

In the meantime - it's nice to be surrounded by family, to have this space once again to process it all and to be enjoying the SoCal sun once again.

back

Oh the posts my brain has contemplated during my absence from blogger. I hope that means that upon re-entry I'll be able to catalog these thoughts - share the insight that three months of re-directed writing (mostly in the form of my trip journals which you can read here, thought the last three aren't up yet) has brought. Let me say - it is good to be back! And, perhaps more exciting, I have a LOT to write about because my so-called love life is not so-so anymore - it's alive and well. Despite all the odds, the distance, the randomness of our meeting, the language barrier and the blank slate that is my future plans at this moment, the Frenchman and I are making it work, and his presence during my trip (at first through emails and phone calls and then in person during the final portion) was a true delight. I have so many thoughts about this to sort out - it's taken me by surprise and thus every new emotion is like a little gem I want to dissect and congratulate myself for having stumbled upon.

More on that soon, and you can also expect a fair amount of life pondering as I try to reconcile the world I just emerged from with the world I find myself back in.

-M.I.

p.s. I've missed you!

my life as poultry

I don't know what NVTech is - but other than that, this just about sums it up.

Exit strategy

It's official, I am unemployed. As my boss was giving me my "exit interview" today one of the questions was, "are you currently pursuing other employment?" I can just imagine the HR analyst who reviews my interview and sees my answer of "no" and questions, "who is this idiot that quit and not only has no job lined up, but isn't even looking?" Allow me to quote the Spartan cheerleaders: "IT'S ME! IT'S ME!"

Today was a completely draining day. It put everything into perspective for me - my attempts to leave gracefully (almost achieved though I did leave my replacement with a few more piles of un-filed papers than I'd have liked to), the great people I feel like I've only started to get to know - the days of sitting and dreaming about the future that is suddenly here.

My final little going away shin dig this afternoon was totally Africa themed. There were animals on the cake, a leopard print background and loads of puzzle games and an electronic Texas hold 'em for the long ride over. My co-workers all signed a frame with well wishes and a lot of "good luck not being eaten by lions." I told them that if anything of the sort happens I'll be sure to get a picture as the entertainment value would be priceless.

As I sit here exhausted I realize that this is a lot like finishing college. Just as I sometimes have nightmares that I have a paper due or a final exam for a class I've never attended - it will take some getting used to that my job is no longer my job. The things I worried about, the skills I didn't quite have - the tasks I could never quite complete - I'm done with them all. And I got to leave on the best of notes - with many smiling faces and words of encouragement from people I truly admire. It does make this all more real, somehow. In my head I thought I'd already confronted this goodbye, that I was prepared for it. Perhaps I am, and yet still - I'm not quite sure I can wrap my head around it. Unemployed. Operating entirely on the fancy of none other than myself. Wow.

Me and my homegirls

I have a decade or so history with nuns. I'm not Catholic, but in high school I took a flying leap away from public school (not because I wasn't happy with the education, but because I wasn't happy with how crazy middle-school girls could be and needed a fresh start) and started my Catholic education. The school I went to freshman year was run by a traditional Catholic diocese and had a few priests on staff to teach classes they were uniquely qualified to teach, you know, like Human Sexuality*.

My second high school, which came about in a turn of events I briefly touched upon here, was run by nuns. But not just any nuns - no, these were nuns who liked to live on the wild side, meaning years previously they had broken away from their order (the rebels!) and now operated quite autonomously running our dear educational institution. The rumours abounded - but what we did know was that while they maintained the vows of chastity and devotion to God, they appeared to have given up the vow of poverty - as one of them drove an acura sports car, and they were rumored to have a condo in Pebble Beach. Of course these things had been "donated" but suffice it to say, they were a bit outside the confines of traditional habits (not that they weren't dear and devoted to our school, well except the one with the Nike airs who was more or less terrifying).

Anyway, I have no idea how traditional nuns should act - and perhaps traditional nuns don't exist anymore. Either way - I was delighted to get copied on this email from Sr. H, the main social worker The Africa Project is working with in Nkandla, and who will be hosting me when I go.

(the email was to our the TAP Director who is helping me arrange my trip):

"My best friend

I wanted all the time to say happy New but I could not, please take it as if it 23h59 Dec 2006 and you hear Sr H saying Happy New Debbie.

It seems I am always in conflict with time, as a result I leave it as it is.

What I am happy about is that Megan arrives in R'Bay so I do not need someone to collect her for me. I will do it myself. Tell her that she will see a Young Beautiful Nun and she will know that it is Me.

Goodbye.

Sr H."

I think I could learn a lot from a nun with a sense of humor in the middle of South Africa!



*I loved my teacher for this class, Father Malo, but I was reprimanded (and I think my parents called) when I challenged him once in class when he responded to a kid's question about whether a man who'd had a sex change could have a baby. Father Malo's response was, "I don't see why not?" I almost fell out of my chair I was so quick to raise my hand and ask him, increduously, to "THINK ABOUT IT." I don't think he appreciated my tone. But thank God for public school sex ed - if I'd waited until high school to learn about the birds and the bees from the likes of Father Malo I'd probably have a son of my own expecting his first child by now.

On the brink

I was just reading my best friend's brothers blog where he detailed his six month plan that includes a hell of a lot of travel and I thought to myself, "why am I writing about how I can't go to sleep at night when I'm about to turn my life topsy turvy and flee the country?" Point being - things are about to get exciting for me.

I have 12 full days of work left. I am more or less done on the 26th, but then I take a wee "vacation" and come back the 14th/15th of February to clean out my office and tie up any loose ends with my replacement. The time period between the 26th and the 18th of March is somewhat up in the air - but I do know this:

1) There will be some skiing which will coincide with a trip to Colorado and Texas
2) There will be the most surfing yet (unless global warming results in Cali being struck by monsoons)
3) There will be even more soul searching
4) There will be a lot of organizing - from my email account where I forward every future possibility or contact with whom I need to follow up with re: career moves, to my room and potentially preparing to move.
5) There will be preparing for South Africa - for which I depart on March 18th and return June 8th.

What have I done so far? Well I have a stack of African literature by my bed, I have zulu CDs to listen to on my way to the beach next month. I have a list of items to purchase (a nalgene and water purification tablets being near the top). I have an appointment to get a small dose of yellow fever and an updated tetanus shot tomorrow. I have a new digital camera on the way from the folks at Amazon. I have an appointment to call the nuns I will be staying with in Nkandla this weekend. I am researching a self defense class that my dear friend Lia insists I take before I go.

What do I still need to do? Plan my trip! I have done some basic planning and I have a detailed map of the country on the way from Amazon as well. I have a list of contacts and organizations I may want to meet up with - and a few potential traveler partners that may come to explore with me in April (speak now, or forever hold your peace!). I also need to line up travel insurance, order medications etc. in advance, get my budget and bills in order, etc. etc. And of course - start a trip-specific blog so I don't have to subject everyone and their mother to this here piece of work. I'm also trying to decide if I should get a new lap top (a small one) to take with. I know I'm going to want to write while I'm there and I much prefer typing - but I don't know logistically if a lap top is going to be a good travel companion for this trip.

Either way - it's so damn exciting I can barely contain myself. I think I've been waiting to write about it until it became more real - and it occurred to me - time's up. It's on the horizon - it's coming, whether I'm 100% ready or not. In just a little over two months I'll be on a dusty road, sitting alongside a nun, driving into a little village in Kwa Zulu Natal and attempting to take it all in.