Faces

Ok - a quick update. Hit an awesome Salsa lesson up yesterday - this "class" blows the others my roommate and I were taking out of the water. It was at Tia Juana's - a very cool restaurant/bar with lots of floor space, high-top tables and a general down to earth atmosphere, but just dark enough to be able to let your inhibitions down. There were TONS of people there - and a great guy to girl ratio - and the people were normal! It wasn't a bunch of skeezy old men or socially-challenged girls - everyone seemed really mellow and interested in learning - and there were plenty of beginners and intermediates to go around, so you didn't spend all night being stepped on or the alternative, being flung widely about as you chant 1-2-3,4-5-6 in your head as if your life depended on it. Carlos and Francisco met up with us after our lesson which was great - made me reminisce about Costa Rica and my guys down there - always respectful, fun to dance with and cuter than heck. Only trouble is Carlos has taken a very flirtatious liking to me and while I appreciate the attention, he's laying it on a little too thick for someone I just met - and managed to relay to the rest of the bar that we were somehow together so no one asked me to dance after he showed up. The real kicker/nail in his coffin is that he looks EXACTLY like my ex. I'm talking eerily like my ex. I am not good at hiding my emotions and it just threw me for a loop. I had noticed when we met the guys on Sunday but he was wearing an outfit and hair style so completely different than my ex that it wasn't so obvious. Last night he was dressed up and clean cut and it was just overwhelming on so many levels. Not that I think there's potential to bring him home or anything - but I couldn't imagine introducing him to close friends or family - their jaw would drop off their face the similarity is so strong. Have youe ever experienced looking at someone and because of a similarity feeling like you're looking at someone else? It plays tricks with your mind I tell you! So that kind of soured my night, and I also wasn't ready to be in a position of being "attached" to someone - and he was just so gooey flirtatious it makes me think being friends and dance buddies isn't going to be an option. Of course he's the only one in the group for whom I have a number. Anyway - the night overall was a blast, and salsa is a riot - and I have a teeny, teeny bit of faith that one day I'll be able to turn with the best of them.

Aside from that - went to the dentist this morning and my *crush* dentist was not there today. So I'm debating calling him out of the blue (his cell number is listed on the office message) and mentioning I saw him on Friday and seeing if he wants to meet up next time I'm housesitting in his town. Can't decide if it's ballsy, over the top or straight out weird - but everyone here is telling me to go for it...

Alas, a date.

So I started this blog as a forum for discussing my foray into the dating world after years as a serial monogomist who jumped from one relationship to the next (totaling four) between high school, college and the last few years. The plan went array when my dating abruptly stopped as I realized I couldn't convince myself that internet dating wasn't forced, and the dynamics of my life are so far from being conducive to meeting people I almost never come across prospective dates on my own. Case in point:

1) Many of my best friends are guys - and certainly those I usually hit the town with - definite challenges to meeting guys out and about as I'm usually already with one (or more).

2) I work with people who are mostly older than me. Everyone's married, or a woman. The only exception being the work crush - who I almost never see and might be gay.

3) I live in the vapid capitol of the world. It is horrible to say - but I honestly think the majority of men who are quality around me are already partnered up or I count among my nearest and dearest already. I know there are a *few* guys out there I might be interested in but hell if I know where they're hanging out.

Sooo...aside from my myriad of crushes (necessary to keep the romantic in me alive), it's been a pretty barren scene lately. But - next week I head north to my home town for 9 days of catching up with friends, reconnecting with people I haven't seen in years (the longest being 8 - unbelievable!) and further falling head over heels for my new main man, Dexter. On a whim, I have taken the initiative to jump back into the dating saddle and emailed a guy I met a few months back (friend of a friend) who lives in SF and told me to look him up when I was next there. His response:

"Hey Megan,

Wow, color me surprised to hear from you! How's it going? I would love to meet up if you find any free time when you're up here. I'm starting a new job Friday, so the next week may be a little crazy, but I'm sure we could figure something out. You should give me a call at 415.xxx-xxxx when you get into town.

I hope you're doing well, and I'm looking forward to seeing you Megan. Take care.

-L"

So, there you have it, a very low-stress re-entry into getting to know the opposite sex, aka dating, aka my nemesis in the book of love.

Rocked my socks

This weekend f'in rocked. I say f'in because I definitely got called out for using f'in the other day and yah, I use it, what gives? Anyway - Friday night met up with my adorable friend Scott to get coached on the Gallup Strengths test he gave me access to. He's in grad school and needs to do follow-up counseling for this test for 20 people or so and as I'm uber out of touch with my "strengths" I happily signed up. I found out my top five Gallup-assessed strengths are as follows:

1) Responsibility
2) Input
3) Connectivity
4) Futuristic
5) Arranger

Scott had some really good ideas about how to draw on these in my daily life and in moving forward, and gave me some direction on goal-setting which I'm pretty stoked about. Afterwards, we went out dancing with the roomate and my friend Steph who was in town at my favorite South County spot. After being completely humiliated by the band when we were called up and forced to dance in front of a the one room in the bar that wasn't chock full of people (it was thus hugely more evident that we were neither drunk enough or skanky enough to truly embrace the opportunity) we escaped to the room with the dj and got our real groove on. And, wonder of wonders, the dentist was totally there. I've run into him there before but didn't expect to again. I didn't end up talking to him because the situation just didn't present itself, but I'm looking forward to giving him a hard time on Wednesday (during my teeth cleaning - oh yah, can't you see how the stage is set for complete romance and allure? I'm a sexy-ass girl with fluoride all over my face) for not saying hi.

The waves Saturday were AMAZING - met up with my nephew who just moved down here and some of his roomates and indulged in absolutely perfect conditions. Josh stopped by for a bit after they left and then I headed home for the perfect post-surf nap. Spent Saturday night hanging out with Pete and his friend Dan at Pete's grandparents place in San Clemente - had a nice little fire and then hauled our tired asses into bed where we all cuddled and watched "Where the Red Fern Grows." I'll admit, this was not Pete's first choice but Dan and I were adamant, remembering the absolute magic of that book and the way it made our little seventh grade hearts melt when Old Dan took that mountain lion on and then Little Ann died of a broken heart. Seriously - you can't bottle that shit - but suffice it to say the soundtrack by the Osmonds was just ridiculous enough to throw the whole thing into complete cheeseville. I did have a moment of nostalgia when he actually sees the red fern for the first time - took me right back to the book.

Sunday I read the paper with my little housesitting charge Koti at the beach, and then headed up to meet the girls for a Boricua festival. Let's just call a spade a spade - Puerto Ricans can dance! We left our pride at the gate and got out there with the best of them - it was such a fun day and I definitely feel like I'm past the fear of being asked to dance by someone who actually knows what they're doing stage - sure I stepped on some toes but I had on a flippy skirt and my hips moved so it's a start! And, made friends with a host of characters including Papo, Francisco, Alberto and Carlos - so we have Salsa partners on call from Puerto Rico, Peru, Panama and Nicaruaga when we want them :)

It was truly a great weekend all around - caught up with friends and family who are out of town and just felt really, really settled in my life. With everything I've been thinking about in terms of work/relocating etc. - it was just nice to feel at home but also connected with everyone that's up north and beyond. I love my peeps.

Spamalot

I got this in my inbox yesterday:

Suffice it to say that the fact I'm getting spam targeted at singletons is bad enough, but now it's themed?

A whole new level

I am suddenly surrounded by the many of important people in my life being in the midst of significant life experiences or relationships. Some are embarking on new relationships (to which I can relate), some are undertaking new things I can only imagine - like parenthood. While I think the closest contender to falling in love yourself is getting to observe those you love most stumble upon it, experiencing such things through the lives of your nearest and dearest can have some unexpected effects in the overall scheme of things. Watching my brother and sister-in-law become parents (it's been less than a week) is one of the most joyful things I can remember participating in. At the same time it seems to have elevated their soul-mate status into yet another dimention I can only hope of attaining. And not because it's over the top - just because they're so profoundly and simply happy to be living the life they are living - and experiencing this vast new expanse of reality that a child brings. And I continue to plod along in this bizarre existence of what might someday be, with no real image of where that is, or who I will be, or who might be by my side. So as life becomes more tangible for those I love, it is increasingly less so for me. How to ensure that I am as present in the experience with them as I can be, and also honor the fact that it is truly their experience in the first place, provides for interesting navigation.

My new main man

Introducing the one, the only, Dexter Kerns. Born 8-18-06, 9lb 1oz, 21 inches. My 7th nephew but a long time coming at that!

A salute to serotonin

In honor of the first time in, well, ages that I've been in a good mood for absolutely no reason at all, I offer you the joy of painting. Today I can truly appreciate the joy in happy little clouds :)

joy of painting: colors of nature

We're in the navy now

Last night I braved total neighbor-action induced fatigue to see an incredible show in L.A. with one of my favorite peeps and his band of brothers. A very fun night all around and Sara B. did not disappoint! I think she's inspired me to true fan status - I think she's gonna be big and I'll be first in line to camp out and score her tickets when she is. What's great too is for a long time when I'd see great musicians my appreciation for their music would be overshadowed by my total sadness at having flopped as a musician myself - I get jealous that some people not only have the talent but the drive and the gift to communicate who they are and where they're at through the medium of music. Sara, however, is just so good that there's no room for jealousy - I just sit there thankful that she's been gifted with what she has and I get to partake in it. Not to mention how much fun it is to sing along. Check out a song from her upcoming album here.

Anyway - show was great and in the middle I got a text message from the navy boy who is officially of legal drinking age (thank God) and coming to San Diego next month. We'll just have to see what kind of trouble I manage to get myself into with this feisty little (and by little I mean figuratively - he's ripped!) 'Angelito.'

Sleepy Monday

The neighbors woke me up last night. Again. At 1 a.m., just early enough for my body to convince itself the last two hours of sleep were just a nap and it was time to start the day. I'm not trying to hate on anyone getting some action, but some mood music to stifle the noise would be MUCH appreciated at this point.

Prep Time

Last night I went to a year-end celebration (fiscal year end, that is) with my work. It was an interesting chance to interact with people in a non-work setting - which I almost never do. I always wonder about this - why it's so hard for me to connect my personal and professional life when I spend 9 hours a day with these people. For a long time I thought it was more about them, less about me. We just had different interests, different lives - not a lot of common ground. And while this is true in that most have settled down and know they are on a solid career path (whereas I'm more or less flailing about in every aspect of life: location/love/career etc. etc.), I also realize now that a lot of it falls on me, and my inability to let my guard down and just be real about who I am and where I'm at. I often feel like part of my job at work is to be cheerful to convey that I'm in control of my work and everything is a-o.k. I shouldn't burden others with how freaking terrifying virtually every spreadsheet I work on is, and if I let my guard down too much, they'll all find out that I am completely unqualified to do what I do and everyone's confidence in me is completely misplaced.

I'm starting to realize that I don't work with idiots though - the fact that I put on a happy face when I pass people in the hall isn't enough to hide the fact that I'm deeply, deeply unhappy doing what I'm doing. I guess it's just a bit of a wake up call, when I, the one always capable of shirking the question, "How are you?" and immediately deflecting it on the other person, "I"m great! How are you? How's....?" can't do this because I feel like I'm straight out lying. And I'm starting to realize that there's only so long someone can take this feeling of being immersed in a nightmare of busy work and constantly trying to stay afloat - so much so that your brain shuts down almost completely and what used to be a pretty solid work ethic capable of churning out quality material has now slowed to a trickle - just enough to justify having sat in an office for 9 hours at all.

And yes, the above situation can more or less be translated to just about every aspect of my life right now...so something's gotta give!

Getting to know my neighbors

I haven't been sleeping very well lately. Every night, no matter how sleep deprived I am, I get a burst of energy around 9:30 and can't wind down until around 11-12. The past couple nights it has been even worse - Tuesday didn't get me to bed until midnight. When I finally started to drift off around 12:30 I was convinced I felt an earthquake (though this says I was wrong)and was promptly wide awake. I even remember deciding it was about a 2.4 - us California girls know how to score a quake - even if it is in a dream. Anyway, feeling robbed of my chance to drift off I lay hoping against hope that I'd be able to wind down again, when I realized that I wasn't the only one awake. My apartment backs up against an ally to a large house and some condos, and we also share walls with two other apartments. Yes, it was time for me to really experience the joys of what my roommate dubs, "neighbor sex." This is the second time it's happened - but the last was a couple weekends ago when I was pretty much still asleep - so I could tell it was out there but I was more or less unconscious. Tuesday night was a different story - it was hot, my internet was down and I didn't want to read or do anything that might wake me up even more. Are you considered a voyeur if you have no other choice? I mean I'm laying in bed in the privacy of my own home! The whole thing was just odd though - I could only hear the girl, who sounded VERY into things - but it was clear she was talking to someone (not going solo) and I never heard his voice. My roommate thinks that it may have been our neighbor who quote "doesn't double date" - meaning he's a one-night stand kind of guy. We've never heard him before - so this could have just been a new and especially vocal kind of girl.

This morning I thought they were at it again - but the more I heard (standing in our bathroom makes you feel like you are in someone else living room - you just can't tell what direction the sound comes from) the more it started to sound like porn. THEN it started to sound like a TV show where someone was giving birth - but still with an overtone of porn. My only thought on that combination: FREAKING EW. I have GOT to figure out who the hell my neighbors are. Or maybe it's better not to know at this point...

Contending with contentment

I've been thinking lately about contentment - what it means, do I have it, does anyone else? Is contentment a right, do we have to fight for it? Is it meant for some but not others? If I find it, is there something I should then do with it? Can I pay it forward? I see others asking the same questions in their own individual ways. Whether it's my roommate trying desperately to craft a life that allows her at some point to slow down enough to truly experience the things and people she loves, to friends who, like myself, are seeking a path that will assure the countless hours to be spent working professionally in our life times will add up to something more than a means to pay the bills.

What I struggle with in my pursuit of contentment is knowing on what basis to judge it. Whenever I have an especially good experience, I try and store it away to be called out of reserves when life is no longer looking so rosy. I try and tell myself at such times that true happiness does not elude me, I can pull it out of this hypothetical pocket and say, "I know joy - I know contentment." But what happens in the in between of such highs and lows - the true meat of your life - if you cannot quite put your finger on a sense of comfort with who and where you are? At what point to you change course, try something new, admit that something is off?

I find it hard having lived what I consider, in the scheme of things, to have been an extremely privileged life, to know when to draw this line. What right do I have to constantly question my happiness when I have all the ingredients of security that life could offer? I look at the world and cannot comprehend the smallness of my life - and yet it is the one thing that is mine and mine alone to obsess over and strive to perfect. And strive I do, but often with such a sense of guilt and insecurity that I fear I dishonor the true significance of existing at all.

ps - This weekend happened to have been one of extreme contentment - a lovely reprieve from attempting to 'sort it all out' by indulging in the best of friends, good food, beautiful surroundings and a dash of reminiscing to remind me that this too shall one day be a time upon which I can look back fondly and remember just what it felt like to grow into life as it asks to be lived.

I SURF, THEREFORE I AM

I've been preoccupied of late with the lack of passion in my life. It's a foreign concept to me to not have something I'm passionate about be a part of my daily existence. I have yet to experience this in my professional life, but I've always found someway to get my fix while I search for the career that will inspire me. Looking back I realize that some of the major life changes I've made have been directly due to finding myself in the midst of a challenging situation with no passion to either address the task at hand, or at the very least, distract from it. In high school, music played this role. In college, music became less about passion, and more a reminder of the natural talent I didn't have. Passion in itself wouldn't cut it anymore. Then I found my studies in Sociology, which led me to Costa Rica - and this sustained me for awhile after I graduated. Then, I found 2020 Democrats. This not only excited me, but consumed me - and looking back I realize it was the dominate force for two years of my life. I understand now that just as the last year has been about figuring out how to address life post my relationship, it's also been about figuring out life post 2020. The two things that my life revolved around for a number of years are absent, and in my grief, it's taken awhile to recognize the importance of having something to be excited about - something that makes you feel alive.

I think for awhile I let romantic possibilities give me the jolt we all need to get this feeling (hell, it even inspired me to start a blog). Meeting someone, flirting, the potential - it gives you a natural high. But not being ready for a relationship, it dies quickly, and it dies hard. So while it's caught me by surprise, I realize that surfing has for the moment stepped in to keep me sane, keep the piece of Megan that lights up at the thought of something going, even while my future path is less and less clear. Tonight I thought about how I approach surfing, and how helpful the experience will be when approaching future possibilities - both career and relationship-wise. I've had to overcome a fair amount of fear to take it on, be confident in my ability and the outcome, be patient with the learning curve, be wary of everyone else's experience in the water, be cautious but also trust myself - and mostly, just enjoy it! Each time I go I feel more confident - it's the single thing right now that can take my dark moods or my frustrations with myself and wipe the slate clean. For the moment, this is my new love affair, and I am enjoying the hell out of it.

But...I suppose I should mention that the guy I chatted with in the water a couple of weeks ago (and chastized myself for not introducing myself to) was there tonight, and his name is Chris, and he only teased me about my fear of sharks for a little while as we showered together. Yup - aren't I bold? Not only did I introduce myself, but I SHOWERED with the guy. Outdoor public shower of course. I'm pretty sure I swept him off his feet though - what with my extremely graceful attempt to get OUT of my wetsuit (which may, or may not be a size too small) and stay IN my bathing suit, and the heavy mascara that the waves had failed to wash off, but had instead heavily coated the skin under my eyes with so that instead of looking like a bronzed surf goddess, I looked like a half-drowned hooker.