I SURF, THEREFORE I AM

I've been preoccupied of late with the lack of passion in my life. It's a foreign concept to me to not have something I'm passionate about be a part of my daily existence. I have yet to experience this in my professional life, but I've always found someway to get my fix while I search for the career that will inspire me. Looking back I realize that some of the major life changes I've made have been directly due to finding myself in the midst of a challenging situation with no passion to either address the task at hand, or at the very least, distract from it. In high school, music played this role. In college, music became less about passion, and more a reminder of the natural talent I didn't have. Passion in itself wouldn't cut it anymore. Then I found my studies in Sociology, which led me to Costa Rica - and this sustained me for awhile after I graduated. Then, I found 2020 Democrats. This not only excited me, but consumed me - and looking back I realize it was the dominate force for two years of my life. I understand now that just as the last year has been about figuring out how to address life post my relationship, it's also been about figuring out life post 2020. The two things that my life revolved around for a number of years are absent, and in my grief, it's taken awhile to recognize the importance of having something to be excited about - something that makes you feel alive.

I think for awhile I let romantic possibilities give me the jolt we all need to get this feeling (hell, it even inspired me to start a blog). Meeting someone, flirting, the potential - it gives you a natural high. But not being ready for a relationship, it dies quickly, and it dies hard. So while it's caught me by surprise, I realize that surfing has for the moment stepped in to keep me sane, keep the piece of Megan that lights up at the thought of something going, even while my future path is less and less clear. Tonight I thought about how I approach surfing, and how helpful the experience will be when approaching future possibilities - both career and relationship-wise. I've had to overcome a fair amount of fear to take it on, be confident in my ability and the outcome, be patient with the learning curve, be wary of everyone else's experience in the water, be cautious but also trust myself - and mostly, just enjoy it! Each time I go I feel more confident - it's the single thing right now that can take my dark moods or my frustrations with myself and wipe the slate clean. For the moment, this is my new love affair, and I am enjoying the hell out of it.

But...I suppose I should mention that the guy I chatted with in the water a couple of weeks ago (and chastized myself for not introducing myself to) was there tonight, and his name is Chris, and he only teased me about my fear of sharks for a little while as we showered together. Yup - aren't I bold? Not only did I introduce myself, but I SHOWERED with the guy. Outdoor public shower of course. I'm pretty sure I swept him off his feet though - what with my extremely graceful attempt to get OUT of my wetsuit (which may, or may not be a size too small) and stay IN my bathing suit, and the heavy mascara that the waves had failed to wash off, but had instead heavily coated the skin under my eyes with so that instead of looking like a bronzed surf goddess, I looked like a half-drowned hooker.