Sunday, July 30, 2006

On saying goodbye

I haven't had much to write about lately, or more accurately, I haven't felt like writing it. It's clear that my original intents for this blog have kind of dissipated as I've fallen off the dating bandwagon, but now that I have this venue for thoughts and ponderings I'm still going to use it. You'll probably just hear more stories of the dating persuasion involving the cast of characters I surround myself with. And, since so many are already in relationships - there will probably be a prominent few who are actually in the active pursuit of their one and only, and as I am fortunate to be their confidants, their experiences might inspire me to ponder on in written form. But while I don't have much to write about dating right now, I can still write about love - which though I'm not currently in it, continues to infiltrate much of my life with its lingering effects.

I went to sleep last night and before I drifted off received a text message from one of my dearest friends, who happens to be in love with me, and with whom for the last week I've been trying to figure out how to break the cycle of me hoping I will someday reciprocate his feelings, getting his hopes up, and then finding time and time again that they haven't materialized. Inspired by a story line in 'Memoirs of a Geisha,' (which I read last week) I decided to face the music and take a stand to say that it is not, in fact, going to happen. I feel guilty monopolizing so much of his energy, and I hate the fact that this could be keeping him from moving on with what could be his destiny (ah, cliche). It's very hard though, because each time we confront this stuff, it brings out the honesty that we treasure in each other, and while at times our communication gets off (mostly due to hurt or not wanting to see things for what they are), we always come back to a place that feels very intimate, and I think that usually ends up perpetuating the whole thing. That is what I'm trying to break this time around because it's emotionally exhausting and leaves very little emotional space for anyone else - at least on a romantic level - even though this relationship is decidedly platonic.

So he's hurt, and trying to deal with letting go of the hope that someday we'll end up together, and I'm trying to do the same, and I think there will be bits and pieces of nastiness that will just be hard to avoid. Like the drunken text message last night (very out of character for him) implying he's going to get out there and do the hook up thing, except that it was put in the form of a question - which reflects just how unfortunate this whole situation is - in that someone who is not committed to me, and I am not committed too is basically asking me permission to go out into the world and see what's out there. It defies logic that a friendship that's gone on this long with this 'love' twist woven in but never realized could paralyze someone to such an extent. I know that's why it needs to change - it's completely unfair for me to have that much pull with someone to whom I offer nothing but friendship in return.

The real challenge for me in this situation is that I'm just starting to feel like I've recovered (or as much as I think I ever will) from saying goodbye to my last relationship, and here I am having to say goodbye to another - and we weren't even together! It seems like a cruel twist in my attempts to understand love and what role it is to play in my life, and like so many of the choices made within this realm - the outcome is almost entirely unknown.

p.s. I realize there are entirely too many run on sentences in this post but it's my blog and I'll run on and ignore perfectly reasonable grammar rules if I want to.


Anonymous blogless said...

Kudos to you for doing what so many people don't do and that's be honest, even more so it's with someone you care about knowing it will surely bring to an end what you have with this person.

I myself haven't always been this honest in the past, staying in relationships that I knew would go nowhere but didn't have the courage to face me hurting them. So instead I did the cowardly thing and that is do everything so they would leave me...

12/16/2006 11:52 PM  
Blogger Mood Indigo said...

thanks ;)

12/18/2006 8:35 AM  

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