having said goodbye

I just got back from the funeral for my ex's (J) dad. It was a beautiful service - the words were profound and it was filled with love and forgiveness and celebration of life. J opened it up with two songs - he sang perfectly, I cannot imagine what kind of strength that took, and he maintained it throughout the service. A family friend gave the eulogy - a tribute to his dad's faith and the belief that he has moved on to a more peaceful place. A family friend read a letter he'd prepared before his death directed at each of his children and grand children that recognized their strengths, some of their challenges and the importance of sticking together and supporting each other as they all grow. J closed the service with some words about the last few months with his dad, what it meant to him and to the family - and read some lyrics he adapted to honor him. I was, and am, amazed at his strength.

I struggled when leaving to know whether I should go to the reception afterwards. I had the opportunity to see a number of family I haven't seen in ages at the service - and it would have been nice to have caught up a bit with each of them. But I couldn't stop crying, and I wasn't sure if J's "girlfriend" would be there or not. His sister has told me they don't really like her, and I didn't want to create a situation where she would feel any more uncomfortable than she might already (they didn't always like me when we dated - now they love me!). I only worry that his sister would think I didn't come because I had something else I needed to do (she said as much when I left the wake early yesterday to attend a dinner I had scheduled) - so I left messages for both her and his mom to send my love and hopefully convey my best wishes. I hate that it's so complicated for me to simply lend my support during this time - but I'm trying to respect the feelings of two people very important to me who likely have conflicting comfort zones. And at the same time, I'm trying to deal with my own emotions of having seen the absolute best pieces of the person I've loved most in this life, and know that he's going home with someone else.

My mom asked me if it made me second guess being apart - the only way I could respond is to say that if that was the J that I got to be with - strong and emotionally available - I could have never walked away. But somehow all those best pieces of him (and all the best pieces of me) only seem to thrive when we're apart. I can't quite wrap my hands or heart around that fact - so I'm left with the heart break that you only feel when you love someone that much, and you don't have license to show them anymore. I can send him all the messages of love that I want - but in the end, he's going through this on his own, with his new support system, and I'm just a bystander.