help
I just received a call from my ex's sister - their dad passed away yesterday. I knew it was coming but now that it's here I have no idea how to support them. He didn't call and tell me, and he didn't answer when I called. I have a feeling it's easier for him if I don't go to the funeral, but I don't know if deep down he'd want me there. I know his sister would but she said she'll know I'm there for her if I can't come. I don't have the slightest clue how to navigate this. He has an on-again/off-again girlfriend so I imagine she will be there for him, but he's such an emotionally closed person I can see him pushing her away. It seems like there should be some protocol - like I shouldn't ask any of these things and I should just go and pay my respects, or I should just stay away, out of respect - but in situations like this the caution I choose usually ends up feeling like I have no social graces whatsoever (even though I'm attempting to respect the needs of everyone involved). I have so little experience with death - I hate that I don't know my way around it when all it should really be about is loving and supporting the people that have experienced the loss.
Labels: heartache - the real kind
posted by Mood Indigo at 11:29 AM
11 Comments:
Maybe send flowers, and then take the sister out for lunch the next week to lend support?
That is a real tough one Megs. I would definitely offer to be there for him as much as he feels comfortable with. I went throught the same stuff with Steph when her best friend died and it was one of the toughest things to not be there when you feel like you should with all of your history. I would call him and be there for him though as I am sure he will need it and ask him honestly if he wants you there. In times like this even closed feelings people will ask for help when they want it. Let me know if you need anything. Love you!
Just go ... you'll regret it if you don't. If you feel awkward about it sit in the back row or something. Even though he may not show it, he'll appreciate you being there. And it's not only him you'd be supporting ... it's for his sister as well.
That is a really tough one. I am with Peter on this one. Then again I hate uncmfortable situations and will avoid them at any cost. If you really feel you should be there for their father then I guess you should go. If it is more about being there for your ex's sister and your ex then maybe you can express that caring without being there. I just don't really know.
I wouldn't go. It sounds like he doesn't want you to be there, and it might just make things harder for him if you are. But maybe he is just unable to communicate that he does need you?
I agree with Peter.
You should go. If your ex and his family meant something to you, you should go. You're going to pay respects for the deceased as much as you would be going to provide comfort to those left behind. If it were me, I would go.
oh no.. i held off commenting because these events of gravity have been hidden from me until now - thank the Graces - so i had to conjure. i think if i were in this situation, i'd try and find any reason not to attend. however, i don't believe this would be the right decision. on a pause, nobody ever wants to be there, and nobody's truly ever prepared to deal with it. your poor ex sounds like he's trying unsuccessfully not to feel anything at all, if he doesn't communicate it, perhaps it'll exist less.. sounds like he's trying to just keep still. it won't go away, so i think any support he can get, he will [eventually] appreciate.
i wouldn't worry so much about being awkward, as far as i can tell, funerals are heavily ritualized in part to help alleviate that fear.
i imagine there is much to be contemplated at these times. i think i would regret it if i did not go.
Thanks everyone - I so appreciate the insights and thoughts. I actually feel much better about things and am planning on going. I dropped by with some pastries and a card today and ended up hanging out with the family and my ex was there. It was a really nice afternoon - he is doing really well with everything and was actually very open about the process and where he's at in dealing with the loss. I actually helped them practice some songs they're singing at the service and even did some duets with the ex - overall it was a true blessing to have that time with them and I feel totally at ease going to the service and supporting them all.
Oh, goodnesss. That's so sad. Regarding your ex, the death of a parent is so huge, and what you are able to ask for in the moment is not all-encompassing. I think if you have any, really *any* inclination that you should be there - go. I think showing up for support will only be appreciated. Not that I have always done the right thing, but I would go, if it were me.
If you go, go at an off-time, when there's not a big line, so you don't have to interact with many people, pay your respects, and get out.
My ex has a shit-load of old relatives that are dropping like flies, and it kills me that I can't go to the wakes, but I know it'd be super-weird if I showed up.
Good luck . . .
Not that it matters what I think, but I think you're making the right move in going. You'd regret the not-knowing if you don't go more than you could potentially regret knowing what happens if you DO go.
It's nice that you are still close to the family.
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