Monday, February 19, 2007

a tisket a tangent

I recently discovered the joys of my favorite programs posted online in full episode form. You see we have a t.v. to watch movies on but no cable or even local channels, and while this ultimately means I rarely watch t.v. - sometimes I just need my fix. Plus, I have a very small room, and a whole lot of stuff, and having never been the neatest person in the world this often results in many nights spent "cleaning my room," which can only be done with a good friend sitting on my bed to keep me company as I tidy up around them, or some sort of show on that helps me pass the time while I attempt to fit a houseful of treasures into one closet, one dresser and about three inches of under-the-bed space.

Lately I've been watching Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives and Brothers and Sisters because they are all available on I think I'm up to date on all of them (like I said, I'm MESSY) and it never ceases to surprise me how most episodes bring me to tears by the end (well at least Grey's Anatomy and Brothers and Sisters - Desperate Housewives is much more mindless fun). While I do think both are good shows, neither are very realistic in the scheme of things - their characters are overly wordy and get to make out with unbelievably good looking people far too frequently. But there's something about how they have been portraying love and family that gets to me.

In addition to cementing my place in the cheese ball hall of fame, I find this surprising because part of the whole 'taking time for myself' kick I've been on for the past year and a half has been about getting into the mindset of being o.k. on my own. What I realize is that I've been translating this to meaning I should be satisfied to be alone - perhaps it's a defense mechanism to prepare for the 'what if Mr. Right never shows up?' scenario I think all women who are single and closer to 30 than 20 are shamelessly playing over in their head as they go about their happy and healthy independent lives. I'm subconsciously trying to convince myself that I shouldn't need anyone else to share struggles or even victories with - which, of course, is entirely contradictory to how every fiber of my being is made. Sometimes all it takes is a sappy scene in a t.v. show to remind me how ridiculous it is to try and talk myself around this fact.

The plain truth is, everything I do - everything that excites me, everything that inspires or offends or terrifies me - I want to share it with someone. What I'm not sure of right now is how significant it is that that person is a lover, versus a best friend, or a brother or sister or a mom or a dad. It's been so long since I've had a "boyfriend" that I struggle to remember what it was like to have him be my first point of contact for any of these things. I'm not sure if it would even feel natural to transfer what I've spread out amongst all my nearest and dearest (not to mention the blogosphere) back into one person. And again, I'm simplifying - that's not what a relationship is - dumping all of you onto one person and expecting an immediate return on investment. But having your "one" does mean that you have someone upon which to focus at least in part all those things you have to share.

As I go about my day to day life and pat myself on the back for enjoying it all as much as I am while doing the single thing, it pops up now and then just how much it will mean to me when I find my one, someday. What that means, I haven't quite figured out, but I think I'm starting to understand why it's so important to me.



Blogger Indiana James said...

You're lucky you get the full episodes. won't share those shows with non American internet audiences :(

I too have thought about the meaning of the significant other. They become lovers as a natural progression of your closeness to them. Yes, it's sex on the base level but there is the connection that extends beyond the physical act.

Sure this is coming from a guy that's had barely more girlfriends than he has thumbs but that person, whoever they are, will be the person you let be the inner layer of the onion so to speak.

Yes, all the outer layers may bring tears but that person will be the one left to wipe them away and see what is left after everyone else out there has taken the layer you've given them and opined on how to stop the tears or figure out what caused them.

Friends and family can only be and offer so much and yes, some people are just better off on their own, but for those who do find themselves being but one half of the puzzle, they should look at it as a matter of when and not worry about the if. That time is best spent going and being until the when becomes now.

That's just what I think, and it's not based any hard facts. : P

2/20/2007 12:11 AM  
Blogger Peter DeWolf said...

As always, I love how you've worded this post.

Once I got over the shock of you not having cable TV (hee hee,) I noticed that you've touched on many things that I think about too.

I think that the way you are so open and sharing with your heart will lead to you finding that right "one." (And that he is going to be a lucky dude.)

2/20/2007 8:05 AM  
Blogger Natalie said...

I spent too much time worrying about not finding the "right one" but at the same time being ok enough with myself ot think it didn't matter. I think it takes guts to admit that it does matter, to a certain extent. That being said I don't think you really can find that person unless you are ok with being alone so....

2/20/2007 11:18 AM  
Blogger Eve said...

Maybe that's my problem - I love doing stuff on my own!

It's one thing to be lonely, but just don't make the mistake of "saving" things until you are with someone. But your trip to Africa seems to prove that you aren't fearful of going it alone. That's great!

2/20/2007 11:49 AM  
Blogger With Love, Fat Girl said...

Being excited about things and wanting to share is a good thing, never stop doing that :) It's what keeps a person's zest for life well into their golden years.

2/20/2007 9:00 PM  
Blogger S'Mat said...

'first point of contact' drove home to me. as a relationship eventually becomes the ultimate compromise (hopefully not one person's wishes coopting the other's), it's so important to have grown by yourself. growing under the wings of another can be difficult to impossible: they are in danger of becoming someone you cheat on yourself with. i don't know if that's worse that cheating on them with a 3rd party or not, as if you're not happy with you, how can you be happy with them while with you? sorry, tangents in posts, tangents in comments... this to say, you seem to be ok, and casting no illusions! keep it up!!

2/21/2007 10:42 AM  
Blogger Mood Indigo said...

James - you're quite poetic :) I'm always happy to hear what you think!

Peter - now it's time for me to blush...

Natalie - ah, the eternal conundrum - recognize that you're not quite o.k. on your own, but somehow get there so as to be ready to remedy the fact!

Eve - totally agree, I have a lot I want to do on my own actually - it's a bit why commitment itself freaks me out!

FG - here's to having a lot of zest!

S'mat - ooh, I have some experience with cheating on myself and it is definitely something to look out for. Wise words from you indeed.

2/22/2007 11:28 AM  

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