Honesty (with a bit of repetition thrown in)

I am in the swell of my life cycle where the creative juices are flowing. Before I went to sleep on Sunday night I spent an hour or so setting goals, making plans, brainstorming jobs - trying to lay out a manageable plan for juggling all of life's components. But more than putting it down on paper, I sensed a shift in myself that I was moving back towards the me that gets things done, that makes connections and contributes in a meaningful way.

The challenge is, at some point, I start to reach limits with whatever new, or previously abandoned endeavor I take on. I may take a huge leap in the direction of a long put-off hobby (like singing) and suddenly make it a part of my weekly routine. But then, in the midst of it, I'll hit a wall and remember I don't have the voice to make music in the way I want to. I don't play guitar well enough to write songs that accommodate my limited range, or find a new venue for the maelstrom of thoughts making their own rhythm in my head. And then friends or family step in and say, "stop being so hard on yourself." And I say, "well it's hard not to - because I have reached this wall in absolutely everything I've ever taken on." A limit to my natural ability, to my dedication or willingness to work, or to the feasibility of making something a permanent reality. It's really hard to make this case - because when I'm in this upswing of energy doors open like crazy, and experiences are had, and I tell the story the best I can. People then think, "it's been done," while I retreat back into the more shadowy areas of myself and wonder how these journeys are to continue when I can't find it in me to take them any further?

I guess it's just hard when even in moments of inspiration and the taking of first steps, you can see the writing on the future wall that says, "you will go no further than just beyond what you can presently imagine."