On saying goodbye

I haven't had much to write about lately, or more accurately, I haven't felt like writing it. It's clear that my original intents for this blog have kind of dissipated as I've fallen off the dating bandwagon, but now that I have this venue for thoughts and ponderings I'm still going to use it. You'll probably just hear more stories of the dating persuasion involving the cast of characters I surround myself with. And, since so many are already in relationships - there will probably be a prominent few who are actually in the active pursuit of their one and only, and as I am fortunate to be their confidants, their experiences might inspire me to ponder on in written form. But while I don't have much to write about dating right now, I can still write about love - which though I'm not currently in it, continues to infiltrate much of my life with its lingering effects.

I went to sleep last night and before I drifted off received a text message from one of my dearest friends, who happens to be in love with me, and with whom for the last week I've been trying to figure out how to break the cycle of me hoping I will someday reciprocate his feelings, getting his hopes up, and then finding time and time again that they haven't materialized. Inspired by a story line in 'Memoirs of a Geisha,' (which I read last week) I decided to face the music and take a stand to say that it is not, in fact, going to happen. I feel guilty monopolizing so much of his energy, and I hate the fact that this could be keeping him from moving on with what could be his destiny (ah, cliche). It's very hard though, because each time we confront this stuff, it brings out the honesty that we treasure in each other, and while at times our communication gets off (mostly due to hurt or not wanting to see things for what they are), we always come back to a place that feels very intimate, and I think that usually ends up perpetuating the whole thing. That is what I'm trying to break this time around because it's emotionally exhausting and leaves very little emotional space for anyone else - at least on a romantic level - even though this relationship is decidedly platonic.

So he's hurt, and trying to deal with letting go of the hope that someday we'll end up together, and I'm trying to do the same, and I think there will be bits and pieces of nastiness that will just be hard to avoid. Like the drunken text message last night (very out of character for him) implying he's going to get out there and do the hook up thing, except that it was put in the form of a question - which reflects just how unfortunate this whole situation is - in that someone who is not committed to me, and I am not committed too is basically asking me permission to go out into the world and see what's out there. It defies logic that a friendship that's gone on this long with this 'love' twist woven in but never realized could paralyze someone to such an extent. I know that's why it needs to change - it's completely unfair for me to have that much pull with someone to whom I offer nothing but friendship in return.

The real challenge for me in this situation is that I'm just starting to feel like I've recovered (or as much as I think I ever will) from saying goodbye to my last relationship, and here I am having to say goodbye to another - and we weren't even together! It seems like a cruel twist in my attempts to understand love and what role it is to play in my life, and like so many of the choices made within this realm - the outcome is almost entirely unknown.

p.s. I realize there are entirely too many run on sentences in this post but it's my blog and I'll run on and ignore perfectly reasonable grammar rules if I want to.

The good old (romantic) days

My dad sent me this picture yesterday. My grandfather is third from the left (who'd have thought he'd have a grandson someday that would be 6'7 - he was just over 5') and my grandmother is second from the right. Family aside (my grandfather left my dad and his mom when he was 13), I love this picture. I marvel at how perfectly kempt everyone is. The woman in the middle reflects the sex appeal that few decades since the 20's/30's have really achieved - dress compliments figure, makeup compliments dress, accessories compliment makeup. Can't you just see her swinging to her left and grabbing her man in a passionate embrace? And of course following it up with a Hepburn-esque witty comment (also oozing with sex appeal) and a glass of scotch.

Sigh.

On flirting

Though my own love life is relatively stagnant right now, I continue to get approached by my dating-up-a-storm girlfriend for advice as she juggles a handful of potential suitors - some clearly within the confines of dating, others walking the fine line between "we're just friends" and "good God I want you." As she tries to determine how much flirting is too much with those guys for whom she can't quite get a read on, I revisit one of my more recent opportunities for flirtatious banter and wonder whether guys and girls read things at all the same way.

I have previously mentioned the guitarist for my new obsession, with whom I somehow managed to strike up a little myspace banter with. It started out pretty simple, "thanks for the add," "I like your music" yada yada, but managed to go beyond the initial exchange into what I considered a slightly more in depth conversation, involving a little personal history, discussion of photography, music etc. I don't want to misrepresent - it was still pretty harmless, but I allowed myself to believe when I got the following email, that at the very least, he was flirting a bit:

"duuuude...

don't get me started on construction crews. i am currently living at the epicenter of all residential development projects on the west side of los angeles. no less than FOUR brand new buildings (large buildings) are being built. (wow - that was a lot of B's.). and all 4 are on my tiny block, with the biggest one about 35 feet away from my sleepy head. construction blows. nuff said...

your silly question is not silly. you are silly, but your question is not. you are actually the first person EVER to ask me about photography, or what i think about it. the fact that i have fooled you enough with my pictures to make you think i know anything about photography is cool enough for me. the truth is - i have a crush on photography, and i flirt with her, but we've never really hooked up. i'm gonna keep flirting with her, but music is my true love. music is why i think i'm on this planet. and music is all i ever want to be with. but photography is hot, and she smells good. so i flirt. sue me...

here's to hoping your vacation will be smashing. i'm from the SF bay area, so i fully approve your trip there. you have my blessing, meg.

and perhaps i'll see you tuesday. and perhaps i'll have a CD. and perhaps you'll buy it. per. haps.

.j."

Here's where my confusion begins. Guys - is that a flirty email? Was I a bonehead to read into it, and allow myself to indulge in an in depth response that included a little peak into me as a person (and not just a myspace facade)? My response has been deleted by the myspace gods, but it had something to do with a time long ago when I thought music was my calling, and now not knowing what my calling is, and perhaps some of us aren't supposed to have a calling but rather to make our mark in bits and pieces as we go.

He never responded directly to this, though I did meet him in person a few days later at a concert, where he gave me his CD (he said it would be weird to take my money). I then emailed a quick thank you and got a nice "thanks and hope to see you at the next show" response, but since then, silence. I dunno - I just wonder, did I misread what I thought was flirtation, thus sending out my own "i'm into you vibe" and thereby ruining the cool communication we had going on on just a friend level? Or, did some force totally outside of my realm of control (namely, Sara B. - who was getting cozy with him at the last show) suddenly take a different turn in his life and flirtatious interactions online were left in the dust?

Would love some feedback - which will be taken into consideration in future interactions and opportunities for interpreting the words/thoughts/actions of the elusive opposite sex...

PS - Speaking of which, just got back (this post was on hold today until I could get into myspace) from surfing in Doheny. Rode my first wave! That in itself was enough to kick any funk I've been in out the door. Also met a cute guy in the water, but being that I have no game, managed to ride in without even properly introducing myself. Le sigh.

Leave it to Sara B.

Before I Knew Better

Don't know where to put you anymore
You can't be kept inside my dresser drawer I find the
Pieces of you in my dreams
And in the evenings

Spill out the edge of my mind.
Memories of you feel like they're miles wide
It's all I can do to get to the other side
Of these evenings

CHORUS
I'll see you tonight in the back of my mind
When I remember your skin like I remembered it then
When you would dress me in white with the look in your eyes
Knew you'd love me forever
Before I ever knew better

Can't see myself back beside you
But I see nobody else
Nobody's perfect but I'm perfectly happy to keep on
Bringing this love down off the shelf.

CHORUS

Better off, I couldn't say if I'd be better off without a love I live without anyway
Better off, oooh. Who knows? See you tonight.

CHORUS

lyrics/music by Sara B.

melancholy monday

I texted the ex (JC) today on a whim because I knew he'd get a giggle out of the president's SH*$ faux paus this morning. I was surprised when shortly after, my phone rang and the picture I can't bare to delete popped up. He was calling to tell me that is father is in the hospital and very likely on the brink of death, after going in for some stomach pains about a week and a half before. It is shocking news, and I honestly don't know what to do. He sounded very strong, but I know that this will devastate him, and I don't know how much support (if any) he'll want/need from me. I have tried to imagine what would happen if something happened to my dad, who as he ages I am more and more fearful of losing. My dad and JC were very close and I know he would mourn his loss with me, and I'd want him there with me. I don't have a sense if he wants me by his side, but if he does, I will feel called to be - and the wave of emotion that hit me with the news this morning shows me that this would be a very vulnerable place to be. How do you hurt for someone who is no longer yours? And what happens if you do share that hurt with them - is it possible to do that when you're still recovering from being apart without making it worse for the both of you?

Drive on, drive up!

About to leave for a smashing weekend of Sara Bareilles, road tripping to Monterey (there and back in two days...what!?) and hitting the brilliant Monterey night life (I jest) with my favorite girls on Saturday. How do I feel about all this? I think this image most adequately reflects my total elation, brought to you by the folks at Cute Overload.

Got Game?

The theme of the last week seems to be all about breaking into your friend's inner circles for some action. I played into this a bit by upping the flirtation with a close friend's brother, and she in turn is getting together with a long-time friend who might as well be my brother. While alcohol played a large part in my willingness to indulge in my secret crush, part of what spurred her interest in pursuing my friend was seeing him and realizing that in her eyes, he's a bit more attainable than he was in high school - meaning he's no longer the chiseled football/baseball specimen of '98 (when she last saw him). He's rounded out a bit and she likes to joke that this puts him more in her league. While I don't agree with breaking things down like that in the first place, this whole conversation prompted my brother and sister-in-law to exclaim that she's the one that's out of his league, as he "has no game." Their reasoning stems from some conversations they had with him regarding his recently exed girlfriend. Apparently, he just didn't understand that she would want to, say, have dinner together sometimes, at her apartment no less. Somehow that was too much for him to take into account, and they felt his overall girl-meter was seriously off for someone his age (26).

This long diatribe leads to my thoughts on what it means for a guy to have game, as this would be the type of guy I would ultimately be attracted to and looking for in the long-haul (not a huge priority right now, but someday I'm sure I'll get serious about things!). I think having "game" probably varies from person to person - but it's unfortunately a very fine line that guys must walk (often unknowingly) between being totally clueless to a girl's wants/needs -or- being overly attentive to them (and thus appearing to be a complete suck up) -or- being too cliche/generic in their attention (and thus seeming disingenuine, even when doing the right things) -or finally- doing the right things for all the wrong reasons (as in, sure, I'll bring dinner, I better get a guaranteed night of sex/football/drinking etc.). Thing is, when a guy gets it right - provides enough attention to a girl's individual needs, plays the romance card a bit, maintains a level of confidence without being cocky, makes himself emotionally available but doesn't turn into a complete sap or codependent - a girl will do almost anything for him (and if she's got game, it will bring out the best pieces of her as well). That's true "game" to me - and it is unfortunately in exceptionally short supply these days...

Things I Learned at the Lake, 2006

1. There's a reason why I by-passed partying it up with the locals when I was younger.
2. Beer/Red wine/tequila sunrise + limited night time vision = the Safe Boating Society of America's worse nightmare.
3. Cell phone coverage in the mountains greatly increases the liklihood of drunk dialing.

Followed a week in the mountains with a heck of a good time in the city by the Bay. Was very thankful for the increased tolerance the mountains seemed to have inspired as I made it through a couple seabreezes, multiple gin shots, champagne and peppermint shnapps and came out standing (well, lying down, but that dear friends is another story all together ;)

muah.