on being human

Over and over, I have tried and failed
after which I took a step back
Smacked myself around with enlightenment
Gained some wisdom
And was lonely in it

People say I am hard on myself
and I am
Because I think somehow I should be above it
Should be better at being in it
Should know myself more by now

Every once in awhile I have a moment
where I let myself be human
And it's not quite as lonely
even though I'm in the dark

Honesty (with a bit of repetition thrown in)

I am in the swell of my life cycle where the creative juices are flowing. Before I went to sleep on Sunday night I spent an hour or so setting goals, making plans, brainstorming jobs - trying to lay out a manageable plan for juggling all of life's components. But more than putting it down on paper, I sensed a shift in myself that I was moving back towards the me that gets things done, that makes connections and contributes in a meaningful way.

The challenge is, at some point, I start to reach limits with whatever new, or previously abandoned endeavor I take on. I may take a huge leap in the direction of a long put-off hobby (like singing) and suddenly make it a part of my weekly routine. But then, in the midst of it, I'll hit a wall and remember I don't have the voice to make music in the way I want to. I don't play guitar well enough to write songs that accommodate my limited range, or find a new venue for the maelstrom of thoughts making their own rhythm in my head. And then friends or family step in and say, "stop being so hard on yourself." And I say, "well it's hard not to - because I have reached this wall in absolutely everything I've ever taken on." A limit to my natural ability, to my dedication or willingness to work, or to the feasibility of making something a permanent reality. It's really hard to make this case - because when I'm in this upswing of energy doors open like crazy, and experiences are had, and I tell the story the best I can. People then think, "it's been done," while I retreat back into the more shadowy areas of myself and wonder how these journeys are to continue when I can't find it in me to take them any further?

I guess it's just hard when even in moments of inspiration and the taking of first steps, you can see the writing on the future wall that says, "you will go no further than just beyond what you can presently imagine."

annoyance

Contrary to the title of this post, I am in a fantastic mood. Somehow last night I managed to pull all sorts of life's little loose strings into a comprehensive ball-o-good intentions that I actually think I can keep. I've got a plan for getting an assortment of things in shape - from my finances, body and day to day life to my overall mental health. I think I've finally found my way back to the generally positive state of mind I'm most comfortable operating in.

However, there is one MAJOR thing irking me on this beautiful morning in which the weather outside (bright, after major storms all weekend) mirrors the weather inside.

POLITICS.

Those of my readers who know me in real life may remember the Megan of yester-year who was political to the point of fanaticism. The night before the Iowa caucases I saw this terrifying picture of an elderly woman in Iowa with American flag contacts (she looked like a patriotic devil), and it struck me that that's how I used to come off to people. This wasn't due to my crazy patriotism, but rather how damn SERIOUSLY I took politics. I had joined a group of like-minded peers in a collective dream we had to reinvent the Democratic party into a political change agent that actually acted on its founding principles. Oh, the naivety of youth - the countless hours and literal YEARS I spent working on this and alienating my Republican friends (and ex-boyfriend!).

Then came the election of 2004, the spirit-crushing defeat of the anyone-but-Bush lame-play made by the Democrats. In the midst of a war in which Americans soldiers and every-day Iraqies were dying brutal deaths, we made a choice as a country to STAY THE COURSE. It felt like an affront to all things good and holy. An affront to making choices that are good for all people, not just those with the most money. An affront to our environment, the used and abused resource so taken for granted by the world's leading nation. An affront to the idea of my faith - whose supporters could practically single-handedly take responsibility for re-electing the most ill-qualified President of all time.

After this, I threw in the towel. I stuck with 2020 for a bit more - trying like hell to make a change - and finally accepting the writing on the wall that the Democrats have no interest in changing the course. They don't get the significance of investing in new ideas, in new leaders - in a long term vision. The party's leaders passed up the opportunity to support or capitalize on their true base - the next generation. Gradually my political fervor died, and has yet to return.

But still, even in the almost completely cooled last embers of my former faith in the political process, a spark is raised when I see how our country is reacting to the Iowa caucus. One SINGLE caucus and suddenly all future caucuses and primaries are dismissed - it's assumed that the decision has been made - we have our front runner. Suddenly I face my own state's primary with no sense that my vote will mean anything - because my candidate may have already conceded to the polls and given up. It is INFURIATING how quickly we hand our power over in this country. It is DISGUSTING to me how shamelessly we relinquish the power of our votes by letting the polls and the pundits call the shots.

History and political heartbreaks aside, I want to believe that my vote still counts.