Saturday, February 16, 2008

things come together

The girls and I had some champagne tonight, and I'm currently experiencing the rush of inspiration a few glasses of bubbly so often produce. But, more importantly, I'm not fighting the urge to self-censor. I'm going to write the self-truth I've stumbled upon (champagne or no), and leave the post up even when I've awoken to a glorious day and realized that once again, I've left myself ultra vulnerable on an only semi-private blog.

So it all boils down to this: I got my heart broken once, and I haven't trusted myself since.

Of course it's more complicated than this - but the fundamental truth is that once I understood what it meant to offer up my heart and have someone be willing to say, "no, I don't think that this is the heart for me," I fundamentally stopped trusting whether I could do the same.

How so? Well, at that point I'd decided that two absolutely wonderful guys were not for me. Guys who had treated me with nothing but total devotion - and not pushovers either. Individuals, devoted friends, loving sons, inspiring people - at some point in each of their lives they'd decided that I was the girl for them. And at some point in mine, I'd decided that they were not the ones for me.

It's not that it was easy - I remember the anguish of knowing I was hurting someone who I'd so loved, who had been by my side and with whom I'd shared such joys. But even in that pain, I found something within to trust - I could make the decision and work through the angst because I knew what was right.

Then the tables turned.

I fell, head over heels, and knew that he was the one. I knew with every ounce of my physical being as I threw out old rules for purity and decided, at 21, that I was ready to marry a man who intended to devote his life to ministry. I knew beyond the impressions of friends and family, beyond any question of "are we the right fit?" or what his past said about who he was today. I just knew.

But less than a year later he labeled me an unknown, made the choice I'd made in years past to walk away, to separate, to pursue the possibilities beyond the person that had been so utterly and completely devoted to him. He decided and trusted himself to walk away.

How did his trust break my own? Why is it that all these years later I agonize over the possibility of any relationship ending - even the most casual? I am so afraid of letting go of the right thing, of not recognizing the person for me even when they're right under my nose. I know it's because I don't want to inflict that hurt any more. I learned what it felt like, the earth shattering recognition that I might not be enough. Why would I possibly pass that on to someone unless there was absolutely no other way?

I can't stand that it could be laziness, or simple doubt, or greed that would make me inflict that kind of pain, or make that judgement call.

Still - is anything worth giving up trust in oneself? It seems such a crying shame that at this stage in my life, I cant bring this basic quality along as I test the waters and tell myself I'm open to what is meant to be.

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Blogger Peter said...

I think that you should make champagne-fueled posting a regular thing.

Love the honesty and, as you mentioned, the vulnerability.

2/16/2008 5:36 AM  
Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Now do another post the next day when you have a headache. It will be angry and man-hating!

Well, I hope you allow yourself to fall for someone again, and I hope he's a good dude.

2/17/2008 8:59 PM  
Blogger Natalie said...

I think you can certainly keep your trust in your self and still fall for someone. You just have to trust that the experience, no matter what happens, will make you a richer person in the end.

2/18/2008 10:50 AM  

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