absence

You should see my draft folder. Or the scraps of paper throughout my purse. Or the notebook in which I'm attempting to keep a running to-do list. For, in all, you'd find writing - and good, insightful writing at that. Somehow, it just doesn't make it to this here blog. I'm sorry for that. The truth is, if I take things back to the origins of this blog - to dating, the quest for love and figuring out all things related to the heart - well, I have more to write about now than ever. This might sound silly, but I literally have guys (o.k., graceful woman, perhaps I should call them MEN) coming out of my ears. From a long-term friend who still holds out hope, to a more casual friend whose hints about me being the "perfect woman" are getting more and more frequent, to the Frenchman and of course the more local beau (currently avoiding me following the Frenchman's visit), to a friend in Kenya who flirts over gmail about my impending move to Nairobi, and the new arrival of the most charming (but younger!) man I've ever met - I'm having trouble making sense of it all.

So you'd think I would be writing about it, for this is where all the emotion and angst of such things usually spills forth. Perhaps it's that nothing about all of this feels 'so-called' anymore, it all seems very, very real. The opportunities, the attention - the possibilities for heart ache (and not just my own), the variety! And more than that, the change in my perspective as more and more of my friends couple up - in good, healthy couplings at that, and I start to see how important it is to make good choices in who you "settle" down with (ha!). Still, If the universe is telling me anything amidst all this attention, I'd have to say it is to look at things in any way but in terms of settling, but to instead take advantage of the opportunity to get to know people and evaluate how I react to certain attention, with whom do I feel most at ease, most myself? Who is inspiring? Who is intimidating? To who (whom?) can I return the same level of affection being offered? It is hard to look at people and relationships for such pure educational gain - but given my impending departure for far off lands, settling down with anyone right now makes little to no sense (though no, that doesn't mean I'm counting anyone out!).

So I'll keep meandering through, enjoying the flattery of various suitors, and hopefully coming up with something to share while I attempt to not be so hard on myself for allowing the attention. I do have a sense that it's all a part of the journey that ends with me and my heart being ready to ultimately take that leap and focus on one person that I will invite into my life and the path I'm on. I know deep down this is what I want, but I kid you not in recent years there have been moments when it has been the most terrifying of prospects. I think I'm gradually growing out of that commitment phobia, but I suppose it never hurts to go out with a bang (and let's not take that out of context, shall we?).