Wednesday, August 29, 2007

When it rains, it poors (pun intended)

Oh how different this summer has been than what I thought it would be. I knew that I would have some down time coming back from Africa - how can you do something that's been at the forefront of your mind and planning for months and not falter a little bit when suddenly it is over? This has simply laid the framework for a whole other round in the proverbial "what the hell am I doing with myself" saga I can't seem to get out of - no matter what I do. Let me add a disclaimer - I know this feeling is fleeting. I might get an email regarding a job or an organization I'm interested in tomorrow, and suddenly I will be back to flying high and knowing I'm on the right track. What I struggle with is having opened myself up to the options by quitting my job, following through on my trip and moving etc. etc. - I haven't yet freed myself from the fear of throwing it all away. I haven't yet managed to gain the unwaivering confidence that this too shall pass - even when I willingly go into a new situation and label it temporary. I confront over and over and over the same insecurities, the same selfish desires, the same. old. shit.

I wouldn't do it any differently. But I guess sometimes growing catches up with you - you take a first step thinking you're launching yourself into a whole new arena, when in fact its the first little step of many (too many to count) and you've no way to track how far it took you, and how far you've left to go.

On this front - please keep the job ideas/feedback coming (SarahLeigh - I need your email!) and bear with me as I continue to flounder about a bit and try and land in something other than a job that staves off the bills but not the boredom.



Blogger Peter DeWolf said...

As always, very well articulated.

I think that the fact that you are always wondering and yearning is part of what makes you, well, you.

And, as unsettling as it can be at times, it is a good thing.

8/29/2007 5:21 PM  

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