Sunday, November 12, 2006

the sigh syndrome

So far my greatest love affairs of 2006 have been surfing, Dexter and Scrubs. We don't have a t.v. hooked up to anything but confetti Spanish-language stations so I get my t.v. fix online. While I try not to watch too much it's nice to have a little laugh track in the background when I'm cooking dinner or paying bills. And let's face it, Scrubs is brilliant. Lately it's been Scrubs that has been inducing what I'm starting to call "the sigh syndrome." The show's catch is that it's about a host of characters with completely messed up emotional attachments, and yet every episode manages to wrap up with some sort of insight into friendship/love/work/the world. Amidst a bunch of slap stick humor, it never ceases to amaze me that moment at the end where I glimpse a little bit of humanity just the way I like to - through a veil of laughter. And then I sigh.

The sad thing is that somehow lately when I reach that sigh state it's got less to do with a 30-minute sitcom and more to do with the undercurrent of dissatisfaction with my life that I can't manage to rid myself of entirely. It all comes back to work and location and community. In some ways, I'm more content with my life here than I've ever been. Still, I'm in the midst of a downturn before what I can only hope will be an absolute blossoming of life. I've given notice at my job, I've started to make connections in the field I'm interested in, I've got travel on the horizon and places to go and people to see. And yet in these silent and still moments/weeks/months leading up until that time, I sometimes hit on an emptiness that makes me question just how much resolution these journeys may offer in my never-ending desire to figure out what to do with my life.

Of course an even deeper undercurrent (or is it?) is the ebbing and flowing of my heart strings. Tugged every once in awhile, their interest peaked and then forced to subside - they are getting louder and louder in my not-so-very subconscious. A sense of lonely that I've been a stranger to for a year and a half is starting to creep in and make its presence known. And all the other balls I have in the air - all the other dreams I've rediscovered this year and chances I've become willing to take are suddenly overshadowed by the absence of a someone with whom to share them. And isn't that the point? That I've been spending this time to get myself to a point where I'm willing to take a chance on me for the sake of living my life with purpose, and not just take the safe way out? And now I question whether I can or want to do that because I'm lonely? It seems like a damn shame. So I have to think that as I sit and sigh and sigh and sit I'll get over that and move forward anyway. But for the record, the feeling has hit and I suppose just as I've gone through all the other stages of being on my own, this is just another to now weather.

Addendum: As I reread this I worry I'm misrepresenting what I'm feeling. I think what I'm struggling with is not so much loneliness in the moment - but the realization that this could be it. That maybe there's not someone out there for me. So it's kind of a premonitional loneliness (yes I made that up) - that all these things I'm looking forward to aren't all that exciting if at the end of the year/decade/lifetime I'm on my own. I think for now I'm good - I just don't like this pessimism that's starting to creep in and say this time I thought I was taking for myself might not be an elected blip in my life, it could be my life.


Anonymous Me: The Sequel said...

You have managed to put into words, so perfectly (especially that bit about anticipatory loneliness - spot on), the state of mind I have been in lately.

Except I think, for myself, that feeling manifests as restiveness.

11/13/2006 5:24 AM  
Blogger Natalia said...

I loved this. You really were spot-on on this :) I have had the sigh syndrome. I think I am sort of cured. But is anyone ever completely rid of it?



11/13/2006 9:46 AM  
Blogger Mood Indigo said...

I don't think any of us are completely cured of it - but I imagine for the sake of me: the sequel and myself - it gets better at times. Sounds like you might be there Natalia - how'd you do it? :)

11/13/2006 11:06 PM  

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