Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Return to the blogosphere

The blogosphere is a truly bizarre thing to leave behind for a week when you're used to checking in on your favorite rants 143 times a day. Since I've been back I've had to adjust my blog addiction as Blogger has suddenly been banned from my work. They're being very sneaky about it too - the straight "This website is forbidden" (or whatever it says) message doesn't pop-up, it just pretends not to load. Given that it's been two days though, I think it's safe to say that the taxpayers may start to get a little more bang for their buck out of this worker bee, and I'll have to do my posting in the evening.

The other funny thing when returning to the blog world is realizing how many people you don't even know are often in the midst of the same things you are in some form or another. Jaclyn's post today more or less took the words right out of my mouth regarding old friends and visiting a place so dear to your heart you have to bide your time until you can make being their permanently a reality (although she seems to be at the honest to goodness start of a relationship, which clearly I am not!). Fat Girl, however, has been telling a tale recently of connecting with her first love - and while my experience is slightly different I did have a little rekindling of an old flame last week that's giving me some heart strings to ponder. My high school boyfriend and I reconnected last year (ah, the wonders of myspace) and have visited a few times since, when I've been up north. We've taken advantage of visits to catch up on each others' families, the dreams we used to share together - where are we now - what's changed, what's not, etc. There's definitely something to be said for first loves - especially those that ended more due to circumstance (i.e. colleges in different parts of the state and my sudden realization that there were boys out there after graduating from an all girls high school - what a shame most turned out to be gay as I started dating my fellow conducting majors) than to any real incompatibility.

As I've worked in the past year to reconcile the pieces of my heart that I've given away or allowed to be shaped by the relationships I've had (especially the last one), I've tried to strip all learned behaviors down so that the next time the opportunity for a relationship comes along I'm as baggage free as I can be. Being with my first love provided a sense of comfort and a reminder of the innocence of love that I've lost sight of in recent years. The idea that with love does not always come pain - that love can be built (and surely must be) on the interweaving of lives in the simplest of ways, was refreshing. I let my guard down a little bit, opened myself up to the idea of being vulnerable with someone in a way I've been really tried to avoid lately (as it always seems to end up with me or someone I care about getting incredibly hurt). I don't know what this says about the potential for a future with my high school sweetheart - it would take a lot of time and exposure to each other for me to know if that were in the cards or not. Regardless, I'm thankful for the rediscovery of him, his friendship and the way he made me feel 10 years ago when we said for the very first time in our lives, 'I love you.'


Blogger Jaclyn said...


first love is so sweet...

it is rather strange, isn't it, that a group of women who don't know each other outside of these confines are going through similar things right now? it's Fall, I tell you!


9/13/2006 5:06 AM  
Blogger Me:The Sequel said...

I can't help but notice a striking similarity between teenage love and septa/octo generians who are still sweethearts after decades... there's a simplicity to their bond; a basic "I like you/you like me, let's just be together..." There are no "conditions"... no shoes waiting to drop.

It's when we forget that that simple appreciation for the company of the other is all it really boils down, and we let stupid things get in the way allowing relationships to fail, head games to be played and accumulated hurts begin to crust over that basic core.

9/13/2006 6:03 AM  
Blogger Mood Indigo said...

my blog's working at work - joy!

j- agreed!

me- so true! I think that's what was nice - instead of being in the mindset of looking for that perfect someone who will "get me" in all the right ways (which I'm always trying to do) I let myself just 'be' with someone who knows me and loves me simply for who I've always been...

9/13/2006 9:47 AM  

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