ugly

I hate anger. I hate being at the receiving end of it, but I hate even more being the one to dish it out. The past few days I've revisited the cesspool that can build up inside when you're forced to watch something or someone that is out of control - be it a disease ravishing a helpless child (one of the last things to insight this sort of feeling in me), or someone disrespecting and threatening someone you hold dear (the most recent). The worst part is that somehow as you try and sort through whatever emotions these sorts of things invoke in you, you can't always do it quickly enough, or orderly enough to not affect the people around you. Throw in the general day to day complexities of life and every once in awhile it all comes hurling out in all the wrong directions. Unlike when you're sad, or stressed, and you just need a good cry to let it out and let it go - when you let out anger, it inevitably makes you feel worse in the end. And then you have to confront whether you're someone who can admit when they've made a mistake, say sorry and move on - or whether you're going to cling to that ugliness for a little longer as you try and sort it all out. Ick.

fear and loathing at the gym

While life in general can't get much better for me right now, the one challenge I face is having moved home for the first time in at least 5 years - and the reality that of my high school friends, only one remains in the area. I didn't grow up here, I transfered to my high school my sophomore year and it was mostly a boarding school - so many of my friends never lived here in the first place. So, while I have plenty to keep myself busy with, and virtually my whole family is here, my girlfriends are not. The cute shirts I splurged on before I left SoCal in a last ditch tribute to the materialization it fostered in me hang, taunting me with my lack of places to wear them. I think if I were moving here for good I'd have a better sense of how to forge into my local community and make a life here - but given all that's up in the air I'm a bit tentative about venturing out too far.

So, I'm thinking of joining the gym. I'm working at home, so getting out of the house is even more important than it would be if I were just facing the sudden lack of social life (well it's not like my social life was kicking in Nkandla, but I had a bunch of kids to wrangle so there wasn't really any time to dwell!). The trouble is, I hate the gym. I have never been a gym goer. They make me incredibly self-conscious, and not just because of the spandex and the bodies that make what I like to think are the naturally toned arms I got from my mom look like gummy worms - I'm always afraid I'll break something. Or I'll misinterprate a machine and everyone will silently (or not silently!) laugh as I struggle to do leg curls with the tricep machine.

Still, if South Africa taught me anything it's that I better damned well take advantage of the good health I have, and do my best to respect my body and take care of it - simply because I have every resource available to do so. Plus, there's a gym literally across the street from our house, which is small and privately owned with a nice outdoor pool, a steam room and twice daily yoga classes. I think I can make it work.

Aside from joining the gym - I'd love to hear from anyone with ideas about how to meet people in a place where you really shouldn't need to. It's not like moving to a new place for the first time - I'm a bit anxious about meeting people and saying, "ya, I spent high school here but I don't really know anyone or anything about this place." I want to explore, but I can't do so through the dating scene because my heart has already settled in far-off Paris. So ya, any thoughts?