a scrape that bleeds
Last week I was tearing the thermostat off the wall trying to replace the batteries and get some damn heat up in here. Now, today is the third day in a row in which every window in the house is open trying to air out the heat that's collected in our sunny flat. Lest you think I could make it three sentences without acknowledging this is an analogy for my emotions these days, I'm here to disappoint you.
In truth, this is always been how my emotions role - sometimes hot, sometimes cold - somewhat extreme highs and hinting at debilitating lows - with sets of static emotion-free time in between. I've done a lot of work internally, with family, in therapy and through trial and error to get to know what to expect from my internal happy-meter - though of course it never fails to catch me off guard how far I have to go. Here's the thing about having had "issues" - you want to sign them away for ever. Family issues - check. Done the yelling, the crying, the forgiving the accepting. Boy issues? Check. Done the alone time, the together time, the walk away from unhealthy time, the hold out for what's good for me time. Work issues? Check. Done the hard time, the boring time, the putting in my time and the let it all go time. But on all fronts, if I'm scraped in just the right way, the blood flows as if no work has been done at all.
I know I'm impatient with myself. I know I don't always give myself the credit I deserve - or perhaps I pick apart the pieces of me that are closer to whole than those that aren't for fear of having to confront real imperfections. The problem with this is that ultimately it's avoidance. It's pretending that I am somewhere that I'm not, because I so badly want to be. I want to be o.k. with where I come from, what I've done, and where I'm going. Unfortunately, sometimes I am not o.k. But rather than acknowledge and deal with this, I pat myself on the back for the work I've done in the past, and deal with my emotions like the ever changing weather around me. They poke up now and then, in brief interactions with the people closest to me, inspired by the true-to-life dramas I watch on t.v. - sometimes in reaction to issues my friends and family are struggling with that don't even involve me. It's tricky - the fall out of wanting to be o.k. sometimes leads to inadvertently hurting yourself or those around you even more than you would if you could just be o.k. with being who you are, where you are - no matter how much you've worked in the past to be at a different point.
Acknowledging this lets the scab start to form, the heat to drop, the chill to thaw. Letting what is simply be - it's better for all involved, especially me.
In truth, this is always been how my emotions role - sometimes hot, sometimes cold - somewhat extreme highs and hinting at debilitating lows - with sets of static emotion-free time in between. I've done a lot of work internally, with family, in therapy and through trial and error to get to know what to expect from my internal happy-meter - though of course it never fails to catch me off guard how far I have to go. Here's the thing about having had "issues" - you want to sign them away for ever. Family issues - check. Done the yelling, the crying, the forgiving the accepting. Boy issues? Check. Done the alone time, the together time, the walk away from unhealthy time, the hold out for what's good for me time. Work issues? Check. Done the hard time, the boring time, the putting in my time and the let it all go time. But on all fronts, if I'm scraped in just the right way, the blood flows as if no work has been done at all.
I know I'm impatient with myself. I know I don't always give myself the credit I deserve - or perhaps I pick apart the pieces of me that are closer to whole than those that aren't for fear of having to confront real imperfections. The problem with this is that ultimately it's avoidance. It's pretending that I am somewhere that I'm not, because I so badly want to be. I want to be o.k. with where I come from, what I've done, and where I'm going. Unfortunately, sometimes I am not o.k. But rather than acknowledge and deal with this, I pat myself on the back for the work I've done in the past, and deal with my emotions like the ever changing weather around me. They poke up now and then, in brief interactions with the people closest to me, inspired by the true-to-life dramas I watch on t.v. - sometimes in reaction to issues my friends and family are struggling with that don't even involve me. It's tricky - the fall out of wanting to be o.k. sometimes leads to inadvertently hurting yourself or those around you even more than you would if you could just be o.k. with being who you are, where you are - no matter how much you've worked in the past to be at a different point.
Acknowledging this lets the scab start to form, the heat to drop, the chill to thaw. Letting what is simply be - it's better for all involved, especially me.
posted by Mood Indigo at 3:57 PM
4 Comments:
It is hard to acknowledge anything sometimes be it flaws or successes. We have to be able to give ourselves that pat on the back and to say what we need to improve. You can never focus solely on the good or on the bad to achieve balance. The thing is, you seem like a fairly balanced person to me. The work is never done, it just slowly moves toward a unattainable goal of completion. There is always more to do and you are doing it.
man, you're an introspective chick.
i think you're over thinking things. are smoking the pot????
can you mail me some?
I heart your honesty. always.
Ah Mood Indigo how I've missed you!
I got an interesting email today about the elderly "bank" and how at the end of your life you should be in a place to withdraw all of the "good" that has accumulated in your lifetime and take each day as it comes.
Sometimes you just have to remember to deposit those good things you've done, and to feel good about yourself, and let go of the things you cannot control or change. Easier said than done, sure, but it's something to consider each time you start feeling overwhelemed by your shortcomings or failings. We all have them, but those of us who manage to balance our books, so to speak, experience fulfillment and can accept that we're not perfect.
Am I such a person? No. Absolutely not. But I strive for it. And it seems to me that you do too.
It's so nice to be reading your blog again!
(jaclyn)
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