Tuesday, January 02, 2007


One of the hardest parts about growing up for me has been reconciling what I thought adulthood was all about, to what it's really all about. In most ways, I don't think I really know. I simply haven't experienced enough to know I am approaching things with the wisdom of a grown up, rather than the ideology that youth so carefully caters to. Somehow in the scheme of things I have been graced with tremendous exceptions to many of life's greatest challenges. Some of these exceptions are guaranteed to expire at some point, especially the one that is most foreign and scary to me, the loss of a loved one. Others, like financial security, could hold - but with absolutely no promises. If I know anything it's that NONE of us are immune to the bottom falling out from under us in one way or another (even if we don't really believe it deep down - it happens).

While I have said I have no clear vision of my future - no clearly outlined and colored in image of a house and career and happy - it doesn't mean I'm not exceedingly future-focused. Rather, instead of seeing that final end product, I focus instead on the steps that will take me to that far off place called 'content' by always having something in the works to take me a step forward. If what I'm doing right now does not contribute to a life in which I can know I am doing what I believe I was somehow designed to do (namely live a life that recognizes the inter connectedness of our world and how my actions can contribute to the wellbeing of it all rather than the further fragmentation of people and places as a whole),* then I need to know that whatever comes next is going to do so.

I 'resolved' sometime in the last year (though not in correspondence with New Years 2006) to do better at living in the moment. To recognize the experiences I was having, the choices I had made for what they were - steps towards the future, yes, but also life RIGHT NOW. I think I have done this. I have been conscious of making choices that embrace opportunities, of taking chances, of challenging myself. I have been aware when I've slacked on this and I'm learning to make better choices. Of course no process is ever complete, but I feel like I've made a good start. So if I have any resolution for 2007 (besides being a better thank you note writer) it is to take this one step further. To let this be a year where my reliance on ideas about what will propel me forward will turn into a reliance on actions instead. I have a sense that this is going to be a year of really growing up - a year of confronting things I know are out in the world but haven't seen face to face in the way I am about to. I know Africa will play a huge role in this and even as I plan the trip and introduce myself to the opportunity, I know I am ultimately wholly unprepared for what will find me there. I actually woke up on New Year's Day with a palpable sense of grief and an unexplainable understanding that even as I dream on the fantastic adventures I am about to embark on and all the exciting unkowns, that this may also be a year of loss in one way or another. If this is the case, I hope that I can embrace whatever I confront with the knowledge that this is life being lived - that it's all a part of the bigger picture, that this is making me into a more complete and capable human being. And perhaps most importantly, reminding me that though MY world revolves around me, the rest of the world doesn't. It is out there, it is vibrant, it is heart breaking and it is about all of us as a whole. I'm trying to figure out what role I play in it all but I think 2007 is going to be a year of learning much more from others and the world itself than from myself and my own individual steps. For this reason, that sense of grief is actually something I can accept because it makes me feel like I'm taking a small step outside of myself, and perhaps that's what growing up is really all about.

2007 is here. I am here, I'm about to be somewhere else. I'm not sure I know where either spot really is, but I know that at least in the little corner of the philosophical universe I was born into, I'm living life the best way I know how, and perhaps that is actually life as it is meant to be lived.

*Please take with a grain of salt, this being a just a few seconds worth of attempting to summarize my entire life philosophy.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

When somene puts up such a personal post it's hard to comment on it but I just had to say it sounds great!

1/03/2007 9:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I totally agree with Natalie. And it sucks because it is actually an important post.

On the plus side, you sound very centered and self-aware. I hear that those are good things. I read it someplace. ;)

Here's hoping that you have a wonderful year!

1/03/2007 11:47 AM  
Blogger Eve said...

That's my life philosophy too!

Here's to self-improvement and self-awareness. Oh, and let's throw in fulfillment too. ;)

1/03/2007 1:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Another great post. I think it is important to take stock in order to figure out what you should be doing with your life. But as you say, be sure to live in the moment and not live too much inside your own head.

On a completely different subject - I can burn a CD with "Push the Button" (and other fine Sugababe songs) for you if you want. Just let me know!

1/03/2007 1:44 PM  
Blogger Mood Indigo said...

thanks guys - and good point Natalie. I've had the same thought while reading other's blogs. It's funny - I used to get so pensive before I threw up a brutally honest post, now I don't even realize when it's perhaps a bit more open and honest than people might expect!

Cherry - you rock my world. I will email my address!

1/03/2007 3:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"it makes me feel like I'm taking a small step outside of myself, and perhaps that's what growing up is really all about. "

Such a good point that I have never thought about growing up in this way. I think it brought the new meaning to my resolution of 2007 - learn more as I live. :)

Wish you a lovely 2007.

1/03/2007 8:13 PM  

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