Tuesday, January 23, 2007

cha-cha-changes

Yesterday I sent out a "save the date" email for the last Friday night before I leave for South Africa. While it's not for a few months (just under two), I wanted to make sure to give everyone plenty of notice because calendars fill up fast and this is a night where I really want all of my nearest and dearest to be just that, near and dear.

I started crying before I finished the email, because though I'm more excited than I can express, at the end of the six weeks I am granting myself off of work before embarking on my trip, I will be moving. Shifting the life I've built here for over eight years is something I have no way to know how to do - and the reality hasn't really set in, but it's starting to.

I've touched on my history with moving - a move following my freshman year of high school was incredibly traumatic as it separated me from my childhood home (which I am only in the past few years starting to feel like I've reclaimed, and to which I plan to return to by next Fall). This move is different as I am choosing to do it - but that means that there's a level of guilt I can apply to no one but myself. Why can't I feel at home here? Or is it ok that I feel at home here but I still desire to make a home elsewhere as well?

My friends are being incredible. They've listened to me agonize over the decisions that have brought me to this place, and now they're listening to me question those decisions and mull over all the things that could go wrong, or might have a flaw in their rationale. They're reminding me that nothing is permanent, that no decision like this is ever final if you discover that it was the wrong one, all the while assuring me that I am, in fact, doing the right thing for me. And even those who in the past held me back (though not on purpose) are sending me off with their blessing. I got an email from my ex today (in respond to the save the date) telling me he was very, very proud of me, that he knew I needed to travel and share my spirit, and that he loved me. To have someone who I was once so committed to that I came back here and stayed for years longer than I ever intended to, acknowledge why this is so important to me, was amazing.

So five full days of work to go, three this week and then a distant two after I use the remainder of my vacation time. I'm treating Friday as my last day - and as excited as I am, I know that leaving my office at the end of the day will bring a wave of emotion and a sense that this is really it, I am out on the ledge and all the choices I've made in recent months have brought me to this brand new, nameless point. Although I suppose it's not nameless - as my very soul recognizes it as "hope."

9 Comments:

Blogger Peter DeWolf said...

Your trip is even impressive to "strangers" that only know you through your blog. It's brave... exciting... (and from what I can gather) chock full of goodness.

Speaking selfishly, I'm going to miss posts like this one -- full of honesty and warmth -- while you are gone. But, I look forward to (hopefully) reading about your experiences and adventures in future blog posts.

1/24/2007 5:30 AM  
Anonymous zura said...

This is an exciting time in your life, no doubt about it. I think it's wonderful that you are marking and commemorating this point now, just before the dawn of change. I hope you'll still find time to blog about the new adventures. This is how life should be. :)

1/24/2007 7:15 AM  
Blogger Natalie said...

I totally agree with Peter, this is incredibly exciting. I am sure that you will have an awesome life-hanging time. I too will miss your posts but can't wait to hear all about it.

1/24/2007 8:05 AM  
Blogger The [Cherry] Ride said...

Ditto what everybody above says. And it is OK to have multiple "homes" - there's the physical one and the emotional one (perhaps for you the place you grew up).

I've lived in three places that all have a piece of me - all three of them are a bit of home for me.

Your trip is going to be great and I wish you all the best!!

1/24/2007 2:35 PM  
Blogger Mood Indigo said...

Peter - I don't think you count as a stranger anymore if you feel at leisure to boss me around on gmail! Thank you - I really hope I can keep posting while I'm there - though I will in turn miss out on reading everyone's blogs because I know that is going to be extremely difficult on a frequent basis. I think for posting I'll have to send things in email to someone to upload for me. Oh well - two months isn't that long when you think about it!

Zura - See above re: blogging and thank you for your support - you are so right, this is how life should be - I hope I can maintain this feeling!

Natalie - Muchas gracias! I have to come up with new ways to say thank you - but I so appreciate your enthusiasm, it's really fun to have a place to share it - even when I pepper it with the "what ifs" and self-doubt from time to time.

Cherry - You are right - and I know many people feel like they have more than one home. In the end - it's really nothing but a blessing to feel that way about more than one place I suppose. Thanks!

1/24/2007 3:06 PM  
Blogger Eve said...

I agree with you about moving - it's so sad to think of all the experiences you had in a place, and the person you were when you moved there, the person you are now, etc.

But I agree with everyone else - what an exciting trip you are about to embark upon! There is going to be so much that you will see and experience that will enrich you.

I can't wait to read about it!

(And P.S. I agree with Peter, we're not strangers.)

1/25/2007 2:20 PM  
Blogger Eve said...

Oh wait, I mean, I agree with you about the strangers thing.

1/25/2007 2:21 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

Beautifully written. You expressed yourself so well.

There's a weird thing about "home" and what defines that word. I've moved around in my adult life thinking I'd never return to the city in which I grew up. Then a family tragedy happened three years ago and I dropped every aspect of my life and returned. Although my family is here and things are familiar, there is still something about it that doesn't feel completely "home." I think "home" is wherever we allow our heart to settle.

I guess what I'm saying is that your trepedation is normal and honest. Don't be afraid of leaving (easier said than done). You've spent 8 years in this place (I believe that's what you said), and there is still a part of you that longs to leave. It's wonderful that you're honoring that part of you. Life is too short to stay in a place that doesn't feel complete to you.

(I hope this doesn't sound preachy; I don't intend for it to be at all. You just really got me thinking with this wonderful post.)

1/27/2007 9:15 AM  
Blogger Mood Indigo said...

Eve - I'm so glad you feel me on that :)

Megan - "Home is where we allow our hearts to settle" - I love that. That's the moment I think I'm seeking out more than anything - thanks.

1/27/2007 12:52 PM  

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