cha-cha-changes

Yesterday I sent out a "save the date" email for the last Friday night before I leave for South Africa. While it's not for a few months (just under two), I wanted to make sure to give everyone plenty of notice because calendars fill up fast and this is a night where I really want all of my nearest and dearest to be just that, near and dear.

I started crying before I finished the email, because though I'm more excited than I can express, at the end of the six weeks I am granting myself off of work before embarking on my trip, I will be moving. Shifting the life I've built here for over eight years is something I have no way to know how to do - and the reality hasn't really set in, but it's starting to.

I've touched on my history with moving - a move following my freshman year of high school was incredibly traumatic as it separated me from my childhood home (which I am only in the past few years starting to feel like I've reclaimed, and to which I plan to return to by next Fall). This move is different as I am choosing to do it - but that means that there's a level of guilt I can apply to no one but myself. Why can't I feel at home here? Or is it ok that I feel at home here but I still desire to make a home elsewhere as well?

My friends are being incredible. They've listened to me agonize over the decisions that have brought me to this place, and now they're listening to me question those decisions and mull over all the things that could go wrong, or might have a flaw in their rationale. They're reminding me that nothing is permanent, that no decision like this is ever final if you discover that it was the wrong one, all the while assuring me that I am, in fact, doing the right thing for me. And even those who in the past held me back (though not on purpose) are sending me off with their blessing. I got an email from my ex today (in respond to the save the date) telling me he was very, very proud of me, that he knew I needed to travel and share my spirit, and that he loved me. To have someone who I was once so committed to that I came back here and stayed for years longer than I ever intended to, acknowledge why this is so important to me, was amazing.

So five full days of work to go, three this week and then a distant two after I use the remainder of my vacation time. I'm treating Friday as my last day - and as excited as I am, I know that leaving my office at the end of the day will bring a wave of emotion and a sense that this is really it, I am out on the ledge and all the choices I've made in recent months have brought me to this brand new, nameless point. Although I suppose it's not nameless - as my very soul recognizes it as "hope."